Dislocation followed by solitude then isolation.

So this blog has been on hiatus (ooh fancy word). Because, I've been stupidly busy with Le Crucible. But guess what it’s your lucky day in the words of Mr SWAZZINGGEERR ‘I’ll be back’ and this is me back! POW.

So because I took time out, to do some theatre, I thought. Why not have a seasonal edition! Then I thought naah. We’ll do one about MY FAVORITE LIVING ACTORS.
SO HERE IS LE TOP FIEEVVVE. In no particular order.

Lets get the obvious cliché out of the way.
DANIEL DAY LEWIS.

Firstly, he is an extraordinary craftsmen, the amount of research and commitment he gifts to a role is exemplary and this tradesman ship should be valued.
Secondly, there will be blood. (do I need to say anything more?)

And his less commended role in the film gangs of new York. Yes this film is RUINED by Leonardo do craprio. But DDL’s role as the Butcher is chilling and possibly the second best villain to grace the silver screen.

2.       Speaking of best villains. Javier Bardem, No country for old men. Chigurh, this character is chilling. It was this that introduced me to Bardem’s work. His metaphorical representation of this angel of death was a brilliant on screen performance. Then I watched Biutiful, OH MY GOD. THIS MAN IS BRILLIANT. WATCH ALL HIS FILMS. He was also in a rather terrible version of Love in the time of cholera which is one of my favourite books. But it was Javier Bardem so he was fine. I BLAME EVERYONE ELSE.

3.       Adrien Brody. Brody is to acting what fish and chips is to British culture.  He is probably the most natural on screen presence of our generation. He’s like thirty and already won an Oscar. Now here’s the thing. THE PIANIST. If you’ve not seen it get your clinex and watch in… now.  Also he co-produced ‘Detachment’ which is totally my new favourite film. He’s also beautiful in this film, playing a substitute teacher trying to avoid confronting the problems with the American education system. Watch it after the pianist. Just do it.

4.       Alan Rickman. Alan Rickmans silky voice and randomly situated pauses. Make him a clear pick for this list. He’s even good in a film called blowdry. Which to be honest is painfully bad, then Rickman kicks arse. Look at these performances in terms of Dogma and Rasputin. He nails them both in completely different ways. Plus he could play any character. Seriously. Pick up any script with any part and Alan fits.

5.       So we have one pick left. Whose it going to be Christian Bale? Kevin Spacey? Sir Ian Mckellen?(it would be Sir Ian if he didn’t sell out to make 9 hours of the Hobbit). Narrowly beating out Edward Norton and Forest Whittaker (lost for the criminal minds spin off) for the final place on the list is… Not Morgan Freeman (he’s number 6 ;). But it is non-other than, Jaoquin Pheonix! Almost purely for his undeniably brilliant performance as Jonny Cash. He’s a fabulous underrated talent and one to watch. I feel he is one who the baton will be passed to in coming years. Bring on some great films Jaoquin. 

You may well disagree with this, and it's by no means comprehensive. But that is how Conall sees it.

I'm A Media Student Now

Good day friends, Kyle here

I trust you have all had a great two weeks since Conall last spoke to you. If you didn't we shall make it up to you. I say this because my ego leads me to believe that you actually care about what I type while sitting here, alone, in the dark. Silly ego

So, yes. As you can probably deduce from the title, I, K.B Shiels, am now a college media student. With freshers over and "bonding activities" done, I am now learning media skills on a day to day basis. Soon, I plan to start vlogging with Conall instead of primitively typing. This is the video age. Get on board or get out of the way. (So anyone with a decent video camera and mic can now hand that over. We provide you with kick ass blog. You provide us with expensive tech that we will most likely break. Simples)

So, so far as a media student, I have taken photos of things, recorded things, interviewed people and done virtually no writing. You mad school kids? But, jokes aside, I'm having a great time. The tutors are great, my new friends are funny and awesome. SO STOP MESSAGING ME AND ASKING ME! I'm just kidding. I love it when you bother me about stuff I've told you before.

I also went to see Michael McIntyre this week in Sheffield with my friend Aidan.. or is it Aiden? I can't be arsed clicking on the Facebook tab to check. Sorry Aiden/Aidan. Moving on, McIntyre was hilarious as always. From making fun of Rochdale to annoying Yorksire people, he was fantastic. I strongly suggest you go watch him. Oh wait. The majority of you are in South Africa and don't get to see 1st world talent. Sorry about that. One day.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this drivel, and I bet you can't wait for Kick Ass Diction with Conall to return.

So from all of us here in Kyle's room, good night, and bye for now!

White torture, a response to Kyle (Or, the six people who are cooler than you but you never knew where cooler than you but are actually way way cooler than you).

Welcome back Kick ass diction critical annalists.
Firstly, Kyle is wrong. He is trippin' like a nun on MDMA. Just crazy wrong. His tendency for murder is bordering sociopath, he just wants to see people die. I would rather have my flesh eaten from by bones by hungry Justin Beiber fans than actually watch Easternders. His one poor reason, was not creditable and his rebuttal was basically childlike and well disappointing. So I am right because I am Conall.

If Kyle doesn’t post again. I killed his sociopathic murdering arse, for disrespecting Masterchef Australia. #Justice

On with my post. This one is catchily titled, ‘People who are cooler than you but you didn’t realise where cooler than you. But are actually way way cooler than you.’
I hope you not only purvey my opinion, I hope you look into the people on the list, and wallow in your own socially rejected misery.

1.       Lenny Bruce
A comedian from the late 50’s early 60’s. He was erm, a bit erm, radical? He was one of those opinionated people who voiced there opinions, sound like anyone you know?
‘A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.’ He was arrested for indecency, and pissed off(on) Americans almost as much as Sadam Hussain, but he belittled their tiny fat arses. But like Sadam, his weapons where given to him by America, and he poked fun at republicans, politics and the politically correct revolution began.

2.       August Sanders
A German post WW1 photographer, famous for his portraits. He’s like the shaggy of the photography world. He may look like Hannibal lector, but I’m sure he is warm and fluffy inside. Well he’s probably mostly jellified rotten flesh now… But anyway, he was a socialist in Nazi Germany. And that is cool.

3.       Louis Armstrong.
He can play, cornet, trumpet, scat sing, has an airport names after him and can sing the pants of all your mama’s, sisters and aunties. Simultaneously. But he wouldn’t because he’s a stand up guy. Plus get this right, everyone loved him in an America full of racists. Plenty cool.

4.       Sir Ian Mckellen
On a graph of you to Sir Ian, your like maybe a o.7 Gradient at best. This mans coolness is exponential. Not only is he a Shakespearian actor, he played Gandalf ergo is the coolest man alive. Also his episode of extras is my favourite.

5.       Carl Sagan
The man who made physic’s cool. Pale blue dot is one of my favourite things ever.
When I think of cool I think of this man, he combines cutting fashion sense, physics, wit and a general humanist outlook on life. -1^(1/2) less than 3 Mr Sagan.

6.       Miguel Angel Jimanez.
Three simple reasons why he’s so cool.
His name, is the best name ever.
He’s a professional sportsman and his warm-up is to smoke an expensive cigar.
He’s nickname is the mechanic, because his love for driving really expensive cars. Like a boss.

I hope you will now realise there are many, many people cooler than you. Looking upon this list I have decided if I could become a combination of these people, I’d be an actor, playing a golfer in a soul musical, who has radical socialist views, swears a lot and loves astrophysics. With a massive personality disorder, depression, lung cancer, have everything I mean burnt by Nazi’s and be rejected by American society.
Everyone would probably hate me, but it would be so awesome.

And that’s how Conall See’s it.

The Public Apology

Hello readers

So, Im not one to normally spam blogs, like some friends I know, but I feel forced into an impromptu post, due to a scathing attack on my previous 'Top 5' list

Its just below, but if your lazy like Mitt Romney's fact researcher then Ill summarize.
Conall disagreed with my choice of Eastenders in my list of favorite shows. Now I understand its not popular with the hipster youth of today, but I will defend my decision, rather than bow and lie that I give a crap about Masterchef Australia, where I presume they just barbecue shrimp?

Right so I am going to provide you with 5 reasons why I, Kyle Shiels, find Eastenders bearable at this point in time

1) The Murder
When I was watching, there had been a murder (as there always is) and I got into it. The acting was sub par, but the story was ok

I cant think of anymore

Before you chastise me, Id like to remind you I was in South Africa, where the only other choice of tele was watching my poor cricket team get dealt a harsh lesson in batting by a man who wears his hair on his chin, or South African soaps in another language. So I watched Eastenders. Sue me

I expect Conall will claim he is right purely on the basis that he is Conall

So, thats all I have to say on that.

No sign off line this time, but just play the Eastenders music as you leave this page. Ta for now

Chinese water torture A.K.A Eastenders.

Dearest reader, kick-ass diction fans, I would like to offer you a sincere apology; Kyle decided not talking about his trip was a good idea. But instead he wrote absolute tripe on the best TV shows. Any best TV show list that features Eastenders, is worthy of ritual suicide. Except the ‘how I met your mother’ one, which is one of life’s great questions. Why is it called that?
Anyway.

So the theme of this week is 5 things that might have happened to Kyle, to make him do such a shameful thing.

1. He has adopted the stereotype of a middle aged woman. Whilst in south Africa, Kyle had a crisis of gender and took a sex change, the trauma from the surgery has aged him significantly, meaning he can empathise with characters from soaps. Sorry Ladies, Kyle is now a man.

2. Hallucinogenic drugs, Kyle was feeling sorry for himself and a bit stuck with things to write. So he took, more drugs than the Beatles whilst writing ‘I am the Walrus’. He was higher than a kite attached to a jet plane which has been launched into the stratosphere. He then mistook, the purple elephant duelling with Gimli for an episode of Eastenders.

3. Blackmail, his whole family, have been taken. Kyle does not have the necessary skills to make him a nightmare for people like you. In a trade off, he wrote the previous post. If you are out there, please, please return Kyle’s family.
4. He has been influenced by politics. So he just lies all the time. Like that film, about the habitual liar. But more dramatic, like Die Hard mixed with that film whose name alludes me. In this case, he also has not returned from South Africa, locationseption.

5. Kyle has taken part in an experiment, where he has his eyelids taped back and is forced to watch soap opera’s. And he is now a crazed sociopath, who regularly has plot twists and has little or no character depth. And hangs out in a pub. And is going to be type cast for the rest of his life.

So guys, I’m sorry for his behaviour. And when I find out what happened to him, It’s going to be like a cheap remake of bad boys 2 without the drugs, cars or police.
Because, that’s how Conall sees it.

The Great Return

Hello Readers

As you could maybe fathom from the title, I am back from Rascist La- uh, I mean South Africa.

Dont worry you die hard Conall fans, he is still part of this blog. Kick-ass diction will return next week, and for now you'll have to deal with me. So stop crying and knashing your teeth, and deal with it.

So, I was considering telling you about my holiday in South Africa, but then I decided that would be boring for me, so tonight, Im going to ramble about my top 5 favorite TV Shows. Yay

5. How I Met Your Mother
A very funny, well written sitcom. I find myself immersed in hours of contemplation into who this darned mother is. Watch it, start from series 1

4. Eastenders
I hear some gasps. So for those who are judging, I will explain. It occasionally provides a gripping story line, that makes me wonder what will happen next. Dont watch it. Youll never catch up.

3. The Big Bang Theory
Finally, a show thats not about attractive studs who have sex with everyone. A very entertaining, well thought out show. Watch it. Start from series 1

2. Sherlock
A modern version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyles classic books. Set in modern day London, it is a fantastic, gripping and amazing show. Watch it. I dont care where you start, just watch it

1. Doctor Who
A sci-fi drama series about an alien. Its about so much more, but number 1, I dont have time to explain, and number 2, you wouldnt understand, because you are not as smart as Conall and I. Anyway, watch it. Start from the first episode. Which aired in 1963. Yes. You heard me

And thats a wrap from my weekly ramble!

Thanks for reading!

Bye for now! :)

Dating: I Hate Americanisms

This week is too serious for kick-ass diction intro. I’ve been thinking and I feel, this one is more deep and introspective and other stuff. So yeah, grab your wine, hold onto your Kant, pray for some Hobbes, realise it doesn’t matter because you’re a nihilist and then begin to purvey what Is the world of Conalls bi-weekly blog of kick-ass diction’s thinkers edition.

Recently, I’ve been you know thinking. Like with the think tank and I came up with this question?

How the Jonny Depp did we get from, taking a woman to a cave and being all grrr. To being like ‘oh darling you’re a princess’. And for this reason the topic of this week is ‘dating, what went wrong?’

UGGG woman, get to cave Ugg. Says pre-human Conall. But this all changed, and I have a rather intellectual theory about this. If you don’t want to read it, just restart in the next paragraph.
So here’s what I think, when we moved from the state of nature, a pre-social state.E.G cavemen. Where all resources where competed for and Women, sorry to say it guys where well, one. But when control was gifted to a sovereign, we lost the right to purely take resources. Therefor we lost power, because of this, we seek relationships, to convince ourselves that what we decide to do actually matters. Without girlfriend: What shall I do today, nothing. With Girlfriend: What shall I do today, this is a really important decision which Xlady will care about.

Welcome back, none of you read that did you?
Anyway, its like twitter, no one actually cares what you’re doing. We just like to believe someone does. It’s a stupid condition of people, they like to think their important. Take Boris Johnson, he thinks he’s an important politician, we all know he’s just a Human sized Michelin man, with a prepubescent Arnold Swartzannegger haircut, and a bicycle.
Moving On, not feeling important yet?
So alone, you can’t even see your own shadow?
Actually listening to Adele?
Want some tips?
Good, Conall’s here. AKA the love Dr.

SOLUTIONS to your own intolerable loneliness and how to get money from rich men.
Newspaper dating columns:
Like intellectuals? A great way to meet a man with a 6 figure pension and a mansion in his will, is the newspaper dating. Here is a brief guide, to getting the most out of it.
1. Lie out of your arse. You are a skinny twentysomething belly dancer. And I like David Bowie. HELLO RICH OLD MEN.
2. Translations, be afraid of acronyms they’re evil.
3. Curvy = Fat
30ish =40
40=50
50=60
young 60= BINGO.
nurse = likes to dress up.
pretty = 6/10
Cute = small
Small = less than 5 foot.
tall = Hello gigantor.
Looking for a good time = looking to WOOHOO
Looking for a friend = cat lady.
BBW = big brother watcher (avoid)
GSOH = ugly.
SWM = super white masochist.
WLTM = willing looking to murder.
Can’t read? Have that problem where you spend at least 79.87% of the time on the internet? I mean about 87.547% of people you meet on the internet aren’t just there to hunt little kids.
Try internet dating!
I recommend: Match.com the perfect place for unsociable lonely men to hunt women with young children!
Seacaptaindating.com, I actually really like this one, I love me some haggard seacaptain, but unfortunately they go out to sea a lot. So I rang home and said ‘Dad man, I’m so lonely’ ‘Son I thought you were hooking up with that Seacaptain’ ‘No, she’s at sea. And I can’t go on. DADDY I WANT MY SEACAPTAIN NOW’
datingachademic.com: a place for academics with dyslexia to meet up.
Uniformdating.com: You’ve thought about it. You there dirty minded one.

Third option: actually going out to meeting people. Go forth and multiply so sayeth the bible, use some chat up lines like. ‘Did you fall from heaven, or am I just slowly falling over?’ and are you a treadmill, because I just want to get close to you but can’t.
Places to meet women:
Wine bars
Salsa dancing classes
Cookery classes
Baby mother classes
Maternity section
Caves.
1Direction concerts.
Theatres.
Through Friends.

Places to meet men:
Garages
Football matches
Dive bars.
Sporting events.
Singles nights.
Websites.

Speed dating. I used to open with.
Hey I’m Conall and my ideal date would be, a thai food meal, followed by a contemporary theatre performance and a walk through a pine forest, followed by ball room dancing.

This didn’t get me much attention. So I play aloof and distant now.
Some people just think I’m a mute. But I guess that’s kind of cute.

This didn’t help at all did it.
But it was kind of cute right?

That’s how Conall see’s it.