Dating: I Hate Americanisms

This week is too serious for kick-ass diction intro. I’ve been thinking and I feel, this one is more deep and introspective and other stuff. So yeah, grab your wine, hold onto your Kant, pray for some Hobbes, realise it doesn’t matter because you’re a nihilist and then begin to purvey what Is the world of Conalls bi-weekly blog of kick-ass diction’s thinkers edition.

Recently, I’ve been you know thinking. Like with the think tank and I came up with this question?

How the Jonny Depp did we get from, taking a woman to a cave and being all grrr. To being like ‘oh darling you’re a princess’. And for this reason the topic of this week is ‘dating, what went wrong?’

UGGG woman, get to cave Ugg. Says pre-human Conall. But this all changed, and I have a rather intellectual theory about this. If you don’t want to read it, just restart in the next paragraph.
So here’s what I think, when we moved from the state of nature, a pre-social state.E.G cavemen. Where all resources where competed for and Women, sorry to say it guys where well, one. But when control was gifted to a sovereign, we lost the right to purely take resources. Therefor we lost power, because of this, we seek relationships, to convince ourselves that what we decide to do actually matters. Without girlfriend: What shall I do today, nothing. With Girlfriend: What shall I do today, this is a really important decision which Xlady will care about.

Welcome back, none of you read that did you?
Anyway, its like twitter, no one actually cares what you’re doing. We just like to believe someone does. It’s a stupid condition of people, they like to think their important. Take Boris Johnson, he thinks he’s an important politician, we all know he’s just a Human sized Michelin man, with a prepubescent Arnold Swartzannegger haircut, and a bicycle.
Moving On, not feeling important yet?
So alone, you can’t even see your own shadow?
Actually listening to Adele?
Want some tips?
Good, Conall’s here. AKA the love Dr.

SOLUTIONS to your own intolerable loneliness and how to get money from rich men.
Newspaper dating columns:
Like intellectuals? A great way to meet a man with a 6 figure pension and a mansion in his will, is the newspaper dating. Here is a brief guide, to getting the most out of it.
1. Lie out of your arse. You are a skinny twentysomething belly dancer. And I like David Bowie. HELLO RICH OLD MEN.
2. Translations, be afraid of acronyms they’re evil.
3. Curvy = Fat
30ish =40
40=50
50=60
young 60= BINGO.
nurse = likes to dress up.
pretty = 6/10
Cute = small
Small = less than 5 foot.
tall = Hello gigantor.
Looking for a good time = looking to WOOHOO
Looking for a friend = cat lady.
BBW = big brother watcher (avoid)
GSOH = ugly.
SWM = super white masochist.
WLTM = willing looking to murder.
Can’t read? Have that problem where you spend at least 79.87% of the time on the internet? I mean about 87.547% of people you meet on the internet aren’t just there to hunt little kids.
Try internet dating!
I recommend: Match.com the perfect place for unsociable lonely men to hunt women with young children!
Seacaptaindating.com, I actually really like this one, I love me some haggard seacaptain, but unfortunately they go out to sea a lot. So I rang home and said ‘Dad man, I’m so lonely’ ‘Son I thought you were hooking up with that Seacaptain’ ‘No, she’s at sea. And I can’t go on. DADDY I WANT MY SEACAPTAIN NOW’
datingachademic.com: a place for academics with dyslexia to meet up.
Uniformdating.com: You’ve thought about it. You there dirty minded one.

Third option: actually going out to meeting people. Go forth and multiply so sayeth the bible, use some chat up lines like. ‘Did you fall from heaven, or am I just slowly falling over?’ and are you a treadmill, because I just want to get close to you but can’t.
Places to meet women:
Wine bars
Salsa dancing classes
Cookery classes
Baby mother classes
Maternity section
Caves.
1Direction concerts.
Theatres.
Through Friends.

Places to meet men:
Garages
Football matches
Dive bars.
Sporting events.
Singles nights.
Websites.

Speed dating. I used to open with.
Hey I’m Conall and my ideal date would be, a thai food meal, followed by a contemporary theatre performance and a walk through a pine forest, followed by ball room dancing.

This didn’t get me much attention. So I play aloof and distant now.
Some people just think I’m a mute. But I guess that’s kind of cute.

This didn’t help at all did it.
But it was kind of cute right?

That’s how Conall see’s it.