Good day friends, Kyle here
I trust you have all had a great two weeks since Conall last spoke to you. If you didn't we shall make it up to you. I say this because my ego leads me to believe that you actually care about what I type while sitting here, alone, in the dark. Silly ego
So, yes. As you can probably deduce from the title, I, K.B Shiels, am now a college media student. With freshers over and "bonding activities" done, I am now learning media skills on a day to day basis. Soon, I plan to start vlogging with Conall instead of primitively typing. This is the video age. Get on board or get out of the way. (So anyone with a decent video camera and mic can now hand that over. We provide you with kick ass blog. You provide us with expensive tech that we will most likely break. Simples)
So, so far as a media student, I have taken photos of things, recorded things, interviewed people and done virtually no writing. You mad school kids? But, jokes aside, I'm having a great time. The tutors are great, my new friends are funny and awesome. SO STOP MESSAGING ME AND ASKING ME! I'm just kidding. I love it when you bother me about stuff I've told you before.
I also went to see Michael McIntyre this week in Sheffield with my friend Aidan.. or is it Aiden? I can't be arsed clicking on the Facebook tab to check. Sorry Aiden/Aidan. Moving on, McIntyre was hilarious as always. From making fun of Rochdale to annoying Yorksire people, he was fantastic. I strongly suggest you go watch him. Oh wait. The majority of you are in South Africa and don't get to see 1st world talent. Sorry about that. One day.
Once again, thanks for taking the time to read this drivel, and I bet you can't wait for Kick Ass Diction with Conall to return.
So from all of us here in Kyle's room, good night, and bye for now!
Sunday, 14 October 2012
Sunday, 30 September 2012
White torture, a response to Kyle (Or, the six people who are cooler than you but you never knew where cooler than you but are actually way way cooler than you).
Welcome back Kick ass diction critical annalists.
Firstly, Kyle is wrong. He is trippin' like a nun on MDMA. Just crazy wrong. His tendency for murder is bordering sociopath, he just wants to see people die. I would rather have my flesh eaten from by bones by hungry Justin Beiber fans than actually watch Easternders. His one poor reason, was not creditable and his rebuttal was basically childlike and well disappointing. So I am right because I am Conall.
Firstly, Kyle is wrong. He is trippin' like a nun on MDMA. Just crazy wrong. His tendency for murder is bordering sociopath, he just wants to see people die. I would rather have my flesh eaten from by bones by hungry Justin Beiber fans than actually watch Easternders. His one poor reason, was not creditable and his rebuttal was basically childlike and well disappointing. So I am right because I am Conall.
If Kyle doesn’t post again. I killed his sociopathic
murdering arse, for disrespecting Masterchef Australia. #Justice
On with my post. This one is catchily titled, ‘People who
are cooler than you but you didn’t realise where cooler than you. But are
actually way way cooler than you.’
I hope you not only purvey my opinion, I hope you look into the people on the list, and wallow in your own socially rejected misery.
I hope you not only purvey my opinion, I hope you look into the people on the list, and wallow in your own socially rejected misery.
1.
Lenny Bruce
A comedian from the late 50’s early 60’s. He was erm, a bit erm, radical? He was one of those opinionated people who voiced there opinions, sound like anyone you know?
‘A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.’ He was arrested for indecency, and pissed off(on) Americans almost as much as Sadam Hussain, but he belittled their tiny fat arses. But like Sadam, his weapons where given to him by America, and he poked fun at republicans, politics and the politically correct revolution began.
A comedian from the late 50’s early 60’s. He was erm, a bit erm, radical? He was one of those opinionated people who voiced there opinions, sound like anyone you know?
‘A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.’ He was arrested for indecency, and pissed off(on) Americans almost as much as Sadam Hussain, but he belittled their tiny fat arses. But like Sadam, his weapons where given to him by America, and he poked fun at republicans, politics and the politically correct revolution began.
2.
August Sanders
A German post WW1 photographer, famous for his portraits. He’s like the shaggy of the photography world. He may look like Hannibal lector, but I’m sure he is warm and fluffy inside. Well he’s probably mostly jellified rotten flesh now… But anyway, he was a socialist in Nazi Germany. And that is cool.
A German post WW1 photographer, famous for his portraits. He’s like the shaggy of the photography world. He may look like Hannibal lector, but I’m sure he is warm and fluffy inside. Well he’s probably mostly jellified rotten flesh now… But anyway, he was a socialist in Nazi Germany. And that is cool.
3.
Louis Armstrong.
He can play, cornet, trumpet, scat sing, has an airport names after him and can sing the pants of all your mama’s, sisters and aunties. Simultaneously. But he wouldn’t because he’s a stand up guy. Plus get this right, everyone loved him in an America full of racists. Plenty cool.
He can play, cornet, trumpet, scat sing, has an airport names after him and can sing the pants of all your mama’s, sisters and aunties. Simultaneously. But he wouldn’t because he’s a stand up guy. Plus get this right, everyone loved him in an America full of racists. Plenty cool.
4.
Sir Ian Mckellen
On a graph of you to Sir Ian, your like maybe a o.7 Gradient at best. This mans coolness is exponential. Not only is he a Shakespearian actor, he played Gandalf ergo is the coolest man alive. Also his episode of extras is my favourite.
On a graph of you to Sir Ian, your like maybe a o.7 Gradient at best. This mans coolness is exponential. Not only is he a Shakespearian actor, he played Gandalf ergo is the coolest man alive. Also his episode of extras is my favourite.
5.
Carl Sagan
The man who made physic’s cool. Pale blue dot is one of my favourite things ever.
When I think of cool I think of this man, he combines cutting fashion sense, physics, wit and a general humanist outlook on life. -1^(1/2) less than 3 Mr Sagan.
The man who made physic’s cool. Pale blue dot is one of my favourite things ever.
When I think of cool I think of this man, he combines cutting fashion sense, physics, wit and a general humanist outlook on life. -1^(1/2) less than 3 Mr Sagan.
6.
Miguel Angel Jimanez.
Three simple reasons why he’s so cool.
His name, is the best name ever.
He’s a professional sportsman and his warm-up is to smoke an expensive cigar.
He’s nickname is the mechanic, because his love for driving really expensive cars. Like a boss.
Three simple reasons why he’s so cool.
His name, is the best name ever.
He’s a professional sportsman and his warm-up is to smoke an expensive cigar.
He’s nickname is the mechanic, because his love for driving really expensive cars. Like a boss.
I hope you will now realise there
are many, many people cooler than you. Looking upon this list I have decided if
I could become a combination of these people, I’d be an actor, playing a
golfer in a soul musical, who has radical socialist views, swears a lot and
loves astrophysics. With a massive personality disorder, depression, lung
cancer, have everything I mean burnt by Nazi’s and be rejected by American
society.
Everyone would probably hate me, but it would be so awesome.
Everyone would probably hate me, but it would be so awesome.
And that’s how Conall See’s it.
Sunday, 16 September 2012
The Public Apology
Hello readers
So, Im not one to normally spam blogs, like some friends I know, but I feel forced into an impromptu post, due to a scathing attack on my previous 'Top 5' list
Its just below, but if your lazy like Mitt Romney's fact researcher then Ill summarize.
Conall disagreed with my choice of Eastenders in my list of favorite shows. Now I understand its not popular with the hipster youth of today, but I will defend my decision, rather than bow and lie that I give a crap about Masterchef Australia, where I presume they just barbecue shrimp?
Right so I am going to provide you with 5 reasons why I, Kyle Shiels, find Eastenders bearable at this point in time
1) The Murder
When I was watching, there had been a murder (as there always is) and I got into it. The acting was sub par, but the story was ok
I cant think of anymore
Before you chastise me, Id like to remind you I was in South Africa, where the only other choice of tele was watching my poor cricket team get dealt a harsh lesson in batting by a man who wears his hair on his chin, or South African soaps in another language. So I watched Eastenders. Sue me
I expect Conall will claim he is right purely on the basis that he is Conall
So, thats all I have to say on that.
No sign off line this time, but just play the Eastenders music as you leave this page. Ta for now
So, Im not one to normally spam blogs, like some friends I know, but I feel forced into an impromptu post, due to a scathing attack on my previous 'Top 5' list
Its just below, but if your lazy like Mitt Romney's fact researcher then Ill summarize.
Conall disagreed with my choice of Eastenders in my list of favorite shows. Now I understand its not popular with the hipster youth of today, but I will defend my decision, rather than bow and lie that I give a crap about Masterchef Australia, where I presume they just barbecue shrimp?
Right so I am going to provide you with 5 reasons why I, Kyle Shiels, find Eastenders bearable at this point in time
1) The Murder
When I was watching, there had been a murder (as there always is) and I got into it. The acting was sub par, but the story was ok
I cant think of anymore
Before you chastise me, Id like to remind you I was in South Africa, where the only other choice of tele was watching my poor cricket team get dealt a harsh lesson in batting by a man who wears his hair on his chin, or South African soaps in another language. So I watched Eastenders. Sue me
I expect Conall will claim he is right purely on the basis that he is Conall
So, thats all I have to say on that.
No sign off line this time, but just play the Eastenders music as you leave this page. Ta for now
Chinese water torture A.K.A Eastenders.
Dearest reader, kick-ass diction fans, I would like to offer you a sincere apology; Kyle decided not talking about his trip was a good idea. But instead he wrote absolute tripe on the best TV shows. Any best TV show list that features Eastenders, is worthy of ritual suicide. Except the ‘how I met your mother’ one, which is one of life’s great questions. Why is it called that?
Anyway.
So the theme of this week is 5 things that might have happened to Kyle, to make him do such a shameful thing.
1. He has adopted the stereotype of a middle aged woman. Whilst in south Africa, Kyle had a crisis of gender and took a sex change, the trauma from the surgery has aged him significantly, meaning he can empathise with characters from soaps. Sorry Ladies, Kyle is now a man.
2. Hallucinogenic drugs, Kyle was feeling sorry for himself and a bit stuck with things to write. So he took, more drugs than the Beatles whilst writing ‘I am the Walrus’. He was higher than a kite attached to a jet plane which has been launched into the stratosphere. He then mistook, the purple elephant duelling with Gimli for an episode of Eastenders.
3. Blackmail, his whole family, have been taken. Kyle does not have the necessary skills to make him a nightmare for people like you. In a trade off, he wrote the previous post. If you are out there, please, please return Kyle’s family.
4. He has been influenced by politics. So he just lies all the time. Like that film, about the habitual liar. But more dramatic, like Die Hard mixed with that film whose name alludes me. In this case, he also has not returned from South Africa, locationseption.
5. Kyle has taken part in an experiment, where he has his eyelids taped back and is forced to watch soap opera’s. And he is now a crazed sociopath, who regularly has plot twists and has little or no character depth. And hangs out in a pub. And is going to be type cast for the rest of his life.
So guys, I’m sorry for his behaviour. And when I find out what happened to him, It’s going to be like a cheap remake of bad boys 2 without the drugs, cars or police.
Because, that’s how Conall sees it.
Anyway.
So the theme of this week is 5 things that might have happened to Kyle, to make him do such a shameful thing.
1. He has adopted the stereotype of a middle aged woman. Whilst in south Africa, Kyle had a crisis of gender and took a sex change, the trauma from the surgery has aged him significantly, meaning he can empathise with characters from soaps. Sorry Ladies, Kyle is now a man.
2. Hallucinogenic drugs, Kyle was feeling sorry for himself and a bit stuck with things to write. So he took, more drugs than the Beatles whilst writing ‘I am the Walrus’. He was higher than a kite attached to a jet plane which has been launched into the stratosphere. He then mistook, the purple elephant duelling with Gimli for an episode of Eastenders.
3. Blackmail, his whole family, have been taken. Kyle does not have the necessary skills to make him a nightmare for people like you. In a trade off, he wrote the previous post. If you are out there, please, please return Kyle’s family.
4. He has been influenced by politics. So he just lies all the time. Like that film, about the habitual liar. But more dramatic, like Die Hard mixed with that film whose name alludes me. In this case, he also has not returned from South Africa, locationseption.
5. Kyle has taken part in an experiment, where he has his eyelids taped back and is forced to watch soap opera’s. And he is now a crazed sociopath, who regularly has plot twists and has little or no character depth. And hangs out in a pub. And is going to be type cast for the rest of his life.
So guys, I’m sorry for his behaviour. And when I find out what happened to him, It’s going to be like a cheap remake of bad boys 2 without the drugs, cars or police.
Because, that’s how Conall sees it.
Saturday, 8 September 2012
The Great Return
Hello Readers
As you could maybe fathom from the title, I am back from Rascist La- uh, I mean South Africa.
Dont worry you die hard Conall fans, he is still part of this blog. Kick-ass diction will return next week, and for now you'll have to deal with me. So stop crying and knashing your teeth, and deal with it.
So, I was considering telling you about my holiday in South Africa, but then I decided that would be boring for me, so tonight, Im going to ramble about my top 5 favorite TV Shows. Yay
5. How I Met Your Mother
A very funny, well written sitcom. I find myself immersed in hours of contemplation into who this darned mother is. Watch it, start from series 1
4. Eastenders
I hear some gasps. So for those who are judging, I will explain. It occasionally provides a gripping story line, that makes me wonder what will happen next. Dont watch it. Youll never catch up.
3. The Big Bang Theory
Finally, a show thats not about attractive studs who have sex with everyone. A very entertaining, well thought out show. Watch it. Start from series 1
2. Sherlock
A modern version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyles classic books. Set in modern day London, it is a fantastic, gripping and amazing show. Watch it. I dont care where you start, just watch it
1. Doctor Who
A sci-fi drama series about an alien. Its about so much more, but number 1, I dont have time to explain, and number 2, you wouldnt understand, because you are not as smart as Conall and I. Anyway, watch it. Start from the first episode. Which aired in 1963. Yes. You heard me
And thats a wrap from my weekly ramble!
Thanks for reading!
Bye for now! :)
As you could maybe fathom from the title, I am back from Rascist La- uh, I mean South Africa.
Dont worry you die hard Conall fans, he is still part of this blog. Kick-ass diction will return next week, and for now you'll have to deal with me. So stop crying and knashing your teeth, and deal with it.
So, I was considering telling you about my holiday in South Africa, but then I decided that would be boring for me, so tonight, Im going to ramble about my top 5 favorite TV Shows. Yay
5. How I Met Your Mother
A very funny, well written sitcom. I find myself immersed in hours of contemplation into who this darned mother is. Watch it, start from series 1
4. Eastenders
I hear some gasps. So for those who are judging, I will explain. It occasionally provides a gripping story line, that makes me wonder what will happen next. Dont watch it. Youll never catch up.
3. The Big Bang Theory
Finally, a show thats not about attractive studs who have sex with everyone. A very entertaining, well thought out show. Watch it. Start from series 1
2. Sherlock
A modern version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyles classic books. Set in modern day London, it is a fantastic, gripping and amazing show. Watch it. I dont care where you start, just watch it
1. Doctor Who
A sci-fi drama series about an alien. Its about so much more, but number 1, I dont have time to explain, and number 2, you wouldnt understand, because you are not as smart as Conall and I. Anyway, watch it. Start from the first episode. Which aired in 1963. Yes. You heard me
And thats a wrap from my weekly ramble!
Thanks for reading!
Bye for now! :)
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Dating: I Hate Americanisms
This week is too serious for kick-ass diction intro. I’ve been thinking and I feel, this one is more deep and introspective and other stuff. So yeah, grab your wine, hold onto your Kant, pray for some Hobbes, realise it doesn’t matter because you’re a nihilist and then begin to purvey what Is the world of Conalls bi-weekly blog of kick-ass diction’s thinkers edition.
Recently, I’ve been you know thinking. Like with the think tank and I came up with this question?
How the Jonny Depp did we get from, taking a woman to a cave and being all grrr. To being like ‘oh darling you’re a princess’. And for this reason the topic of this week is ‘dating, what went wrong?’
UGGG woman, get to cave Ugg. Says pre-human Conall. But this all changed, and I have a rather intellectual theory about this. If you don’t want to read it, just restart in the next paragraph.
So here’s what I think, when we moved from the state of nature, a pre-social state.E.G cavemen. Where all resources where competed for and Women, sorry to say it guys where well, one. But when control was gifted to a sovereign, we lost the right to purely take resources. Therefor we lost power, because of this, we seek relationships, to convince ourselves that what we decide to do actually matters. Without girlfriend: What shall I do today, nothing. With Girlfriend: What shall I do today, this is a really important decision which Xlady will care about.
Welcome back, none of you read that did you?
Anyway, its like twitter, no one actually cares what you’re doing. We just like to believe someone does. It’s a stupid condition of people, they like to think their important. Take Boris Johnson, he thinks he’s an important politician, we all know he’s just a Human sized Michelin man, with a prepubescent Arnold Swartzannegger haircut, and a bicycle.
Moving On, not feeling important yet?
So alone, you can’t even see your own shadow?
Actually listening to Adele?
Want some tips?
Good, Conall’s here. AKA the love Dr.
SOLUTIONS to your own intolerable loneliness and how to get money from rich men.
Newspaper dating columns:
Like intellectuals? A great way to meet a man with a 6 figure pension and a mansion in his will, is the newspaper dating. Here is a brief guide, to getting the most out of it.
1. Lie out of your arse. You are a skinny twentysomething belly dancer. And I like David Bowie. HELLO RICH OLD MEN.
2. Translations, be afraid of acronyms they’re evil.
3. Curvy = Fat
30ish =40
40=50
50=60
young 60= BINGO.
nurse = likes to dress up.
pretty = 6/10
Cute = small
Small = less than 5 foot.
tall = Hello gigantor.
Looking for a good time = looking to WOOHOO
Looking for a friend = cat lady.
BBW = big brother watcher (avoid)
GSOH = ugly.
SWM = super white masochist.
WLTM = willing looking to murder.
Can’t read? Have that problem where you spend at least 79.87% of the time on the internet? I mean about 87.547% of people you meet on the internet aren’t just there to hunt little kids.
Try internet dating!
I recommend: Match.com the perfect place for unsociable lonely men to hunt women with young children!
Seacaptaindating.com, I actually really like this one, I love me some haggard seacaptain, but unfortunately they go out to sea a lot. So I rang home and said ‘Dad man, I’m so lonely’ ‘Son I thought you were hooking up with that Seacaptain’ ‘No, she’s at sea. And I can’t go on. DADDY I WANT MY SEACAPTAIN NOW’
datingachademic.com: a place for academics with dyslexia to meet up.
Uniformdating.com: You’ve thought about it. You there dirty minded one.
Third option: actually going out to meeting people. Go forth and multiply so sayeth the bible, use some chat up lines like. ‘Did you fall from heaven, or am I just slowly falling over?’ and are you a treadmill, because I just want to get close to you but can’t.
Places to meet women:
Wine bars
Salsa dancing classes
Cookery classes
Baby mother classes
Maternity section
Caves.
1Direction concerts.
Theatres.
Through Friends.
Places to meet men:
Garages
Football matches
Dive bars.
Sporting events.
Singles nights.
Websites.
Speed dating. I used to open with.
Hey I’m Conall and my ideal date would be, a thai food meal, followed by a contemporary theatre performance and a walk through a pine forest, followed by ball room dancing.
This didn’t get me much attention. So I play aloof and distant now.
Some people just think I’m a mute. But I guess that’s kind of cute.
This didn’t help at all did it.
But it was kind of cute right?
That’s how Conall see’s it.
Recently, I’ve been you know thinking. Like with the think tank and I came up with this question?
How the Jonny Depp did we get from, taking a woman to a cave and being all grrr. To being like ‘oh darling you’re a princess’. And for this reason the topic of this week is ‘dating, what went wrong?’
UGGG woman, get to cave Ugg. Says pre-human Conall. But this all changed, and I have a rather intellectual theory about this. If you don’t want to read it, just restart in the next paragraph.
So here’s what I think, when we moved from the state of nature, a pre-social state.E.G cavemen. Where all resources where competed for and Women, sorry to say it guys where well, one. But when control was gifted to a sovereign, we lost the right to purely take resources. Therefor we lost power, because of this, we seek relationships, to convince ourselves that what we decide to do actually matters. Without girlfriend: What shall I do today, nothing. With Girlfriend: What shall I do today, this is a really important decision which Xlady will care about.
Welcome back, none of you read that did you?
Anyway, its like twitter, no one actually cares what you’re doing. We just like to believe someone does. It’s a stupid condition of people, they like to think their important. Take Boris Johnson, he thinks he’s an important politician, we all know he’s just a Human sized Michelin man, with a prepubescent Arnold Swartzannegger haircut, and a bicycle.
Moving On, not feeling important yet?
So alone, you can’t even see your own shadow?
Actually listening to Adele?
Want some tips?
Good, Conall’s here. AKA the love Dr.
SOLUTIONS to your own intolerable loneliness and how to get money from rich men.
Newspaper dating columns:
Like intellectuals? A great way to meet a man with a 6 figure pension and a mansion in his will, is the newspaper dating. Here is a brief guide, to getting the most out of it.
1. Lie out of your arse. You are a skinny twentysomething belly dancer. And I like David Bowie. HELLO RICH OLD MEN.
2. Translations, be afraid of acronyms they’re evil.
3. Curvy = Fat
30ish =40
40=50
50=60
young 60= BINGO.
nurse = likes to dress up.
pretty = 6/10
Cute = small
Small = less than 5 foot.
tall = Hello gigantor.
Looking for a good time = looking to WOOHOO
Looking for a friend = cat lady.
BBW = big brother watcher (avoid)
GSOH = ugly.
SWM = super white masochist.
WLTM = willing looking to murder.
Can’t read? Have that problem where you spend at least 79.87% of the time on the internet? I mean about 87.547% of people you meet on the internet aren’t just there to hunt little kids.
Try internet dating!
I recommend: Match.com the perfect place for unsociable lonely men to hunt women with young children!
Seacaptaindating.com, I actually really like this one, I love me some haggard seacaptain, but unfortunately they go out to sea a lot. So I rang home and said ‘Dad man, I’m so lonely’ ‘Son I thought you were hooking up with that Seacaptain’ ‘No, she’s at sea. And I can’t go on. DADDY I WANT MY SEACAPTAIN NOW’
datingachademic.com: a place for academics with dyslexia to meet up.
Uniformdating.com: You’ve thought about it. You there dirty minded one.
Third option: actually going out to meeting people. Go forth and multiply so sayeth the bible, use some chat up lines like. ‘Did you fall from heaven, or am I just slowly falling over?’ and are you a treadmill, because I just want to get close to you but can’t.
Places to meet women:
Wine bars
Salsa dancing classes
Cookery classes
Baby mother classes
Maternity section
Caves.
1Direction concerts.
Theatres.
Through Friends.
Places to meet men:
Garages
Football matches
Dive bars.
Sporting events.
Singles nights.
Websites.
Speed dating. I used to open with.
Hey I’m Conall and my ideal date would be, a thai food meal, followed by a contemporary theatre performance and a walk through a pine forest, followed by ball room dancing.
This didn’t get me much attention. So I play aloof and distant now.
Some people just think I’m a mute. But I guess that’s kind of cute.
This didn’t help at all did it.
But it was kind of cute right?
That’s how Conall see’s it.
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Back on the Rack
Hello, people with nothing better to be doing!
Greetings fans and people who want to find further reasons to dislike me.
Welcome, to my one (as yet unnamed) super-fan.
Kyle is still away, in the land of Rugby and racial inequality.
So, welcome, to Conall’s introspective lexical choice bi-weekly blog of kick ass diction.
This week’s contentious issue based theme, is ‘Overrated A-Z’. With light fluttering humorous prose provided by Yours truly.
Oh God, Kyle when are you back from White Africa? I’m becoming more pretentious by the minute.
Overrated things
A. Acronyms. LOL YOLO WWW HSBC IDRLATARPA. The last one is I don’t really like acronyms they are really particularly annoying… My classic YOLO response, I understand and respect the fact you only live once, and I’m glad of this fact. Two life times of you would be intolerable. BOOM.
B: Business GCSE: The paper it’s printed on is actually worth more than the qualification.
C: Children. They’re like little adults, that can’t do any of the good things adults can do. They just eat, cry and poop in public. All of these are frowned upon by civilised people. Plus they are insatiably annoying little trolls. People say they are cute, If I regularly cried and defecated in public would this have the same effect? Would I be cute? Would I?
D: Dear John: Why was this film ever made? Why was this book ever written?
E: Equestrian: I like looking at horses, but I prefer them when they are running through a wild grassy field like that shot in black beauty. Not ridden by princesses in the Olympics…
F: Football. Sharp intake of breath from boys, nods of agreement from the ladies. Bare with me. It’s a good sport, but it’s not the be all end all of sports. If the world didn’t have football there would not be dominated by a crazed pre-human race who patrol in war gangs killing, pillaging and raping. It would be a world, without football. And notably less fascism… I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY.
G: Gel: So you desire to look like a wet porcupine? OK by me.
H: Hunger Games (the): *cries of WHAT! In the background’. Well, firstly, It’s entirely ripping of other (better) stories. See Battle Royal and The Lottery. Secondly, the heroin is just annoyingly illogical. I mean I enjoyed the first book, but then her actions just got weird. I don’t understand why if the people where so upset they were inspired into rebellion, then why didn’t they rebel sooner rather than later? Also whilst watching the film, I sat through one and a half hours of that annoying grinning male to see children being slaughtered (See C), what did I get. Blurry Jump-cuts. Where were the severed limbs? The hacking off of heads? The screams as the little girls are bludgeoned to death by multiple clubs? No-where. It just missed the whole brutality of it, and isn’t that the whole premise of the thing? Over-rated.
I: Inception: This movie is bad. Ruined by Leonardo decraprio (budumdum che). Who actually can’t act. All of the characters are dislikeable. It’s a sad sad day when Ellen Page, isn’t a kick as pregnant girl singing the mouldy peaches.
J: Jewellery, What I don’t understand is why people pay loads of money for a block of shiny Carbon placed delicately onto a metal with essentially useless properties.
K: Kilimanjaro: It is just a really big hill.
L: Lilly Allen: ‘I’m posh, Now I’m cockney, I’m Posh, Now I’m cockney, CHAV’, her music is repetitive, and she wrote a hate song about her brother, who seems to be quite cool.
M: Modesty: ooh, debatable. Basically modesty is overrated; yes we should be humble and respectful of what we have. But I don’t see why everyone is afraid to say ‘YES, I am good at this.’ Because they will be beaten to death by a crowd of depressed, rickets sufferers who think that any self-confidence is a devil in bible belt America. Loving oneself is the first step to loving others. (that may be a quote, but if it’s not I lay claim to being really really deep).
N: Normality: Well, it’s boring. We’re all 99.99999999% the same so why do we need to all pretend to be the same beyond that. We’re all 94% the same as a sheep. So why do we all need to get that extra 6%! I wake every morning to face the magnificent monotony of another extremely bland and banal day because of this conceptual idea of the social norm. Which is just a strange concept.
O: Orangeness: Particularly people who desire to be the colour between a Satsuma and an umpalumpa. Although it is a possible solution to racial inequality…
P: Pearce Morgan: What is he? Or more accurately: Why is he? My life would be better if he didn’t exist. He makes the British look stupid to Americans for a job. I already do enough to make myself look stupid. (see blog)
Q: Qualitative data: even though many of you have not heard of this. Its essentially useless. Particularly when the call centres call me, at an inappropriate hour ‘Can you just do a short survey?’
Ideal response: No, I have to go stop the pasta sauce burning, finish writing my blog, reading war and piece before having a shower, go to Tesco to buy Kleanex, just in time to catch the ending of Dirty Dancing.
Actual response: yes.
R: Reading blogs: I mean it’s just the pointless nattering’s of someone you neither know or like? Who even are you? I bet your lonely, that’s unfortunate.
S: Stephanie Mayor: Narrowly missing out on the underrated list for being the best available thesaurus for the following phrases. ‘shiny’ and ‘chiselled abs’.
T: Talent shows: Not only do they pollute our ears by televising cacophonies of dying cats, they also revealed that Britain’s most talented person is in fact a dog. Plus people who watch them don’t actually like them, Who bought the guys second single? Answer; no one.
U: Ultra-violet rays: Sun obsession is a worrying concept, I reckon our ‘Sun bed generation’ in fifty years will all look haggard, weather beaten and dying of skin cancer, stupid white people. Except me, who is openly fearful of large hot things.
V: Vintage: It just means old. Most people who wear ‘vintage clothes’ look a bit silly. But it can work out, if you do it properly... Sometimes…
W: Waves: Stupid wannabe particles. Overrated #Schrodinger.
X: X-rays: they’re not as cool as people think. I mean there is a reason the smiley woman stands behind the screen…
Y: Yellow by Coldplay: The most overrated song ever. First time you hear it your like ‘Its about to do something and change’ then it doesn’t. It’s just well, it’s all yellow. And conservative and it’s like slowly removing all the chili flakes and beans, then the meat, and tomatoes, from your chilly before eating it so you’re eating oil covered rice.
Z: Zero size models: Why would anyone want to be stick thin. I know it’s all about how the media defines beauty. From a male perspective we don’t really care what you look like… As long as you shower twice a day, take regular exercise, are below 6’1, go half’s for dinner, understand romance is dead, never question the bro code or the off side rule, don’t consume all the rooms oxygen, know when to be silent, never mention TOWIE ,X-factor or Hollyoaks, understand when something is or is not of the banter denomination and be at least one of the following super cool things.
Superhero.
World class sports person.
Artist or poet.
Film director.
Master chef.
Chess Grand master
Brain surgeon.
Super model (of any size)
Or within 2 handshakes of Helen Bonham Carter.
Surely that’s not too much to ask for.
And that’s how Conall sees it.
Greetings fans and people who want to find further reasons to dislike me.
Welcome, to my one (as yet unnamed) super-fan.
Kyle is still away, in the land of Rugby and racial inequality.
So, welcome, to Conall’s introspective lexical choice bi-weekly blog of kick ass diction.
This week’s contentious issue based theme, is ‘Overrated A-Z’. With light fluttering humorous prose provided by Yours truly.
Oh God, Kyle when are you back from White Africa? I’m becoming more pretentious by the minute.
Overrated things
A. Acronyms. LOL YOLO WWW HSBC IDRLATARPA. The last one is I don’t really like acronyms they are really particularly annoying… My classic YOLO response, I understand and respect the fact you only live once, and I’m glad of this fact. Two life times of you would be intolerable. BOOM.
B: Business GCSE: The paper it’s printed on is actually worth more than the qualification.
C: Children. They’re like little adults, that can’t do any of the good things adults can do. They just eat, cry and poop in public. All of these are frowned upon by civilised people. Plus they are insatiably annoying little trolls. People say they are cute, If I regularly cried and defecated in public would this have the same effect? Would I be cute? Would I?
D: Dear John: Why was this film ever made? Why was this book ever written?
E: Equestrian: I like looking at horses, but I prefer them when they are running through a wild grassy field like that shot in black beauty. Not ridden by princesses in the Olympics…
F: Football. Sharp intake of breath from boys, nods of agreement from the ladies. Bare with me. It’s a good sport, but it’s not the be all end all of sports. If the world didn’t have football there would not be dominated by a crazed pre-human race who patrol in war gangs killing, pillaging and raping. It would be a world, without football. And notably less fascism… I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY.
G: Gel: So you desire to look like a wet porcupine? OK by me.
H: Hunger Games (the): *cries of WHAT! In the background’. Well, firstly, It’s entirely ripping of other (better) stories. See Battle Royal and The Lottery. Secondly, the heroin is just annoyingly illogical. I mean I enjoyed the first book, but then her actions just got weird. I don’t understand why if the people where so upset they were inspired into rebellion, then why didn’t they rebel sooner rather than later? Also whilst watching the film, I sat through one and a half hours of that annoying grinning male to see children being slaughtered (See C), what did I get. Blurry Jump-cuts. Where were the severed limbs? The hacking off of heads? The screams as the little girls are bludgeoned to death by multiple clubs? No-where. It just missed the whole brutality of it, and isn’t that the whole premise of the thing? Over-rated.
I: Inception: This movie is bad. Ruined by Leonardo decraprio (budumdum che). Who actually can’t act. All of the characters are dislikeable. It’s a sad sad day when Ellen Page, isn’t a kick as pregnant girl singing the mouldy peaches.
J: Jewellery, What I don’t understand is why people pay loads of money for a block of shiny Carbon placed delicately onto a metal with essentially useless properties.
K: Kilimanjaro: It is just a really big hill.
L: Lilly Allen: ‘I’m posh, Now I’m cockney, I’m Posh, Now I’m cockney, CHAV’, her music is repetitive, and she wrote a hate song about her brother, who seems to be quite cool.
M: Modesty: ooh, debatable. Basically modesty is overrated; yes we should be humble and respectful of what we have. But I don’t see why everyone is afraid to say ‘YES, I am good at this.’ Because they will be beaten to death by a crowd of depressed, rickets sufferers who think that any self-confidence is a devil in bible belt America. Loving oneself is the first step to loving others. (that may be a quote, but if it’s not I lay claim to being really really deep).
N: Normality: Well, it’s boring. We’re all 99.99999999% the same so why do we need to all pretend to be the same beyond that. We’re all 94% the same as a sheep. So why do we all need to get that extra 6%! I wake every morning to face the magnificent monotony of another extremely bland and banal day because of this conceptual idea of the social norm. Which is just a strange concept.
O: Orangeness: Particularly people who desire to be the colour between a Satsuma and an umpalumpa. Although it is a possible solution to racial inequality…
P: Pearce Morgan: What is he? Or more accurately: Why is he? My life would be better if he didn’t exist. He makes the British look stupid to Americans for a job. I already do enough to make myself look stupid. (see blog)
Q: Qualitative data: even though many of you have not heard of this. Its essentially useless. Particularly when the call centres call me, at an inappropriate hour ‘Can you just do a short survey?’
Ideal response: No, I have to go stop the pasta sauce burning, finish writing my blog, reading war and piece before having a shower, go to Tesco to buy Kleanex, just in time to catch the ending of Dirty Dancing.
Actual response: yes.
R: Reading blogs: I mean it’s just the pointless nattering’s of someone you neither know or like? Who even are you? I bet your lonely, that’s unfortunate.
S: Stephanie Mayor: Narrowly missing out on the underrated list for being the best available thesaurus for the following phrases. ‘shiny’ and ‘chiselled abs’.
T: Talent shows: Not only do they pollute our ears by televising cacophonies of dying cats, they also revealed that Britain’s most talented person is in fact a dog. Plus people who watch them don’t actually like them, Who bought the guys second single? Answer; no one.
U: Ultra-violet rays: Sun obsession is a worrying concept, I reckon our ‘Sun bed generation’ in fifty years will all look haggard, weather beaten and dying of skin cancer, stupid white people. Except me, who is openly fearful of large hot things.
V: Vintage: It just means old. Most people who wear ‘vintage clothes’ look a bit silly. But it can work out, if you do it properly... Sometimes…
W: Waves: Stupid wannabe particles. Overrated #Schrodinger.
X: X-rays: they’re not as cool as people think. I mean there is a reason the smiley woman stands behind the screen…
Y: Yellow by Coldplay: The most overrated song ever. First time you hear it your like ‘Its about to do something and change’ then it doesn’t. It’s just well, it’s all yellow. And conservative and it’s like slowly removing all the chili flakes and beans, then the meat, and tomatoes, from your chilly before eating it so you’re eating oil covered rice.
Z: Zero size models: Why would anyone want to be stick thin. I know it’s all about how the media defines beauty. From a male perspective we don’t really care what you look like… As long as you shower twice a day, take regular exercise, are below 6’1, go half’s for dinner, understand romance is dead, never question the bro code or the off side rule, don’t consume all the rooms oxygen, know when to be silent, never mention TOWIE ,X-factor or Hollyoaks, understand when something is or is not of the banter denomination and be at least one of the following super cool things.
Superhero.
World class sports person.
Artist or poet.
Film director.
Master chef.
Chess Grand master
Brain surgeon.
Super model (of any size)
Or within 2 handshakes of Helen Bonham Carter.
Surely that’s not too much to ask for.
And that’s how Conall sees it.
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