This week is too serious for kick-ass diction intro. I’ve been thinking and I feel, this one is more deep and introspective and other stuff. So yeah, grab your wine, hold onto your Kant, pray for some Hobbes, realise it doesn’t matter because you’re a nihilist and then begin to purvey what Is the world of Conalls bi-weekly blog of kick-ass diction’s thinkers edition.
Recently, I’ve been you know thinking. Like with the think tank and I came up with this question?
How the Jonny Depp did we get from, taking a woman to a cave and being all grrr. To being like ‘oh darling you’re a princess’. And for this reason the topic of this week is ‘dating, what went wrong?’
UGGG woman, get to cave Ugg. Says pre-human Conall. But this all changed, and I have a rather intellectual theory about this. If you don’t want to read it, just restart in the next paragraph.
So here’s what I think, when we moved from the state of nature, a pre-social state.E.G cavemen. Where all resources where competed for and Women, sorry to say it guys where well, one. But when control was gifted to a sovereign, we lost the right to purely take resources. Therefor we lost power, because of this, we seek relationships, to convince ourselves that what we decide to do actually matters. Without girlfriend: What shall I do today, nothing. With Girlfriend: What shall I do today, this is a really important decision which Xlady will care about.
Welcome back, none of you read that did you?
Anyway, its like twitter, no one actually cares what you’re doing. We just like to believe someone does. It’s a stupid condition of people, they like to think their important. Take Boris Johnson, he thinks he’s an important politician, we all know he’s just a Human sized Michelin man, with a prepubescent Arnold Swartzannegger haircut, and a bicycle.
Moving On, not feeling important yet?
So alone, you can’t even see your own shadow?
Actually listening to Adele?
Want some tips?
Good, Conall’s here. AKA the love Dr.
SOLUTIONS to your own intolerable loneliness and how to get money from rich men.
Newspaper dating columns:
Like intellectuals? A great way to meet a man with a 6 figure pension and a mansion in his will, is the newspaper dating. Here is a brief guide, to getting the most out of it.
1. Lie out of your arse. You are a skinny twentysomething belly dancer. And I like David Bowie. HELLO RICH OLD MEN.
2. Translations, be afraid of acronyms they’re evil.
3. Curvy = Fat
30ish =40
40=50
50=60
young 60= BINGO.
nurse = likes to dress up.
pretty = 6/10
Cute = small
Small = less than 5 foot.
tall = Hello gigantor.
Looking for a good time = looking to WOOHOO
Looking for a friend = cat lady.
BBW = big brother watcher (avoid)
GSOH = ugly.
SWM = super white masochist.
WLTM = willing looking to murder.
Can’t read? Have that problem where you spend at least 79.87% of the time on the internet? I mean about 87.547% of people you meet on the internet aren’t just there to hunt little kids.
Try internet dating!
I recommend: Match.com the perfect place for unsociable lonely men to hunt women with young children!
Seacaptaindating.com, I actually really like this one, I love me some haggard seacaptain, but unfortunately they go out to sea a lot. So I rang home and said ‘Dad man, I’m so lonely’ ‘Son I thought you were hooking up with that Seacaptain’ ‘No, she’s at sea. And I can’t go on. DADDY I WANT MY SEACAPTAIN NOW’
datingachademic.com: a place for academics with dyslexia to meet up.
Uniformdating.com: You’ve thought about it. You there dirty minded one.
Third option: actually going out to meeting people. Go forth and multiply so sayeth the bible, use some chat up lines like. ‘Did you fall from heaven, or am I just slowly falling over?’ and are you a treadmill, because I just want to get close to you but can’t.
Places to meet women:
Wine bars
Salsa dancing classes
Cookery classes
Baby mother classes
Maternity section
Caves.
1Direction concerts.
Theatres.
Through Friends.
Places to meet men:
Garages
Football matches
Dive bars.
Sporting events.
Singles nights.
Websites.
Speed dating. I used to open with.
Hey I’m Conall and my ideal date would be, a thai food meal, followed by a contemporary theatre performance and a walk through a pine forest, followed by ball room dancing.
This didn’t get me much attention. So I play aloof and distant now.
Some people just think I’m a mute. But I guess that’s kind of cute.
This didn’t help at all did it.
But it was kind of cute right?
That’s how Conall see’s it.
Saturday, 18 August 2012
Sunday, 5 August 2012
Back on the Rack
Hello, people with nothing better to be doing!
Greetings fans and people who want to find further reasons to dislike me.
Welcome, to my one (as yet unnamed) super-fan.
Kyle is still away, in the land of Rugby and racial inequality.
So, welcome, to Conall’s introspective lexical choice bi-weekly blog of kick ass diction.
This week’s contentious issue based theme, is ‘Overrated A-Z’. With light fluttering humorous prose provided by Yours truly.
Oh God, Kyle when are you back from White Africa? I’m becoming more pretentious by the minute.
Overrated things
A. Acronyms. LOL YOLO WWW HSBC IDRLATARPA. The last one is I don’t really like acronyms they are really particularly annoying… My classic YOLO response, I understand and respect the fact you only live once, and I’m glad of this fact. Two life times of you would be intolerable. BOOM.
B: Business GCSE: The paper it’s printed on is actually worth more than the qualification.
C: Children. They’re like little adults, that can’t do any of the good things adults can do. They just eat, cry and poop in public. All of these are frowned upon by civilised people. Plus they are insatiably annoying little trolls. People say they are cute, If I regularly cried and defecated in public would this have the same effect? Would I be cute? Would I?
D: Dear John: Why was this film ever made? Why was this book ever written?
E: Equestrian: I like looking at horses, but I prefer them when they are running through a wild grassy field like that shot in black beauty. Not ridden by princesses in the Olympics…
F: Football. Sharp intake of breath from boys, nods of agreement from the ladies. Bare with me. It’s a good sport, but it’s not the be all end all of sports. If the world didn’t have football there would not be dominated by a crazed pre-human race who patrol in war gangs killing, pillaging and raping. It would be a world, without football. And notably less fascism… I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY.
G: Gel: So you desire to look like a wet porcupine? OK by me.
H: Hunger Games (the): *cries of WHAT! In the background’. Well, firstly, It’s entirely ripping of other (better) stories. See Battle Royal and The Lottery. Secondly, the heroin is just annoyingly illogical. I mean I enjoyed the first book, but then her actions just got weird. I don’t understand why if the people where so upset they were inspired into rebellion, then why didn’t they rebel sooner rather than later? Also whilst watching the film, I sat through one and a half hours of that annoying grinning male to see children being slaughtered (See C), what did I get. Blurry Jump-cuts. Where were the severed limbs? The hacking off of heads? The screams as the little girls are bludgeoned to death by multiple clubs? No-where. It just missed the whole brutality of it, and isn’t that the whole premise of the thing? Over-rated.
I: Inception: This movie is bad. Ruined by Leonardo decraprio (budumdum che). Who actually can’t act. All of the characters are dislikeable. It’s a sad sad day when Ellen Page, isn’t a kick as pregnant girl singing the mouldy peaches.
J: Jewellery, What I don’t understand is why people pay loads of money for a block of shiny Carbon placed delicately onto a metal with essentially useless properties.
K: Kilimanjaro: It is just a really big hill.
L: Lilly Allen: ‘I’m posh, Now I’m cockney, I’m Posh, Now I’m cockney, CHAV’, her music is repetitive, and she wrote a hate song about her brother, who seems to be quite cool.
M: Modesty: ooh, debatable. Basically modesty is overrated; yes we should be humble and respectful of what we have. But I don’t see why everyone is afraid to say ‘YES, I am good at this.’ Because they will be beaten to death by a crowd of depressed, rickets sufferers who think that any self-confidence is a devil in bible belt America. Loving oneself is the first step to loving others. (that may be a quote, but if it’s not I lay claim to being really really deep).
N: Normality: Well, it’s boring. We’re all 99.99999999% the same so why do we need to all pretend to be the same beyond that. We’re all 94% the same as a sheep. So why do we all need to get that extra 6%! I wake every morning to face the magnificent monotony of another extremely bland and banal day because of this conceptual idea of the social norm. Which is just a strange concept.
O: Orangeness: Particularly people who desire to be the colour between a Satsuma and an umpalumpa. Although it is a possible solution to racial inequality…
P: Pearce Morgan: What is he? Or more accurately: Why is he? My life would be better if he didn’t exist. He makes the British look stupid to Americans for a job. I already do enough to make myself look stupid. (see blog)
Q: Qualitative data: even though many of you have not heard of this. Its essentially useless. Particularly when the call centres call me, at an inappropriate hour ‘Can you just do a short survey?’
Ideal response: No, I have to go stop the pasta sauce burning, finish writing my blog, reading war and piece before having a shower, go to Tesco to buy Kleanex, just in time to catch the ending of Dirty Dancing.
Actual response: yes.
R: Reading blogs: I mean it’s just the pointless nattering’s of someone you neither know or like? Who even are you? I bet your lonely, that’s unfortunate.
S: Stephanie Mayor: Narrowly missing out on the underrated list for being the best available thesaurus for the following phrases. ‘shiny’ and ‘chiselled abs’.
T: Talent shows: Not only do they pollute our ears by televising cacophonies of dying cats, they also revealed that Britain’s most talented person is in fact a dog. Plus people who watch them don’t actually like them, Who bought the guys second single? Answer; no one.
U: Ultra-violet rays: Sun obsession is a worrying concept, I reckon our ‘Sun bed generation’ in fifty years will all look haggard, weather beaten and dying of skin cancer, stupid white people. Except me, who is openly fearful of large hot things.
V: Vintage: It just means old. Most people who wear ‘vintage clothes’ look a bit silly. But it can work out, if you do it properly... Sometimes…
W: Waves: Stupid wannabe particles. Overrated #Schrodinger.
X: X-rays: they’re not as cool as people think. I mean there is a reason the smiley woman stands behind the screen…
Y: Yellow by Coldplay: The most overrated song ever. First time you hear it your like ‘Its about to do something and change’ then it doesn’t. It’s just well, it’s all yellow. And conservative and it’s like slowly removing all the chili flakes and beans, then the meat, and tomatoes, from your chilly before eating it so you’re eating oil covered rice.
Z: Zero size models: Why would anyone want to be stick thin. I know it’s all about how the media defines beauty. From a male perspective we don’t really care what you look like… As long as you shower twice a day, take regular exercise, are below 6’1, go half’s for dinner, understand romance is dead, never question the bro code or the off side rule, don’t consume all the rooms oxygen, know when to be silent, never mention TOWIE ,X-factor or Hollyoaks, understand when something is or is not of the banter denomination and be at least one of the following super cool things.
Superhero.
World class sports person.
Artist or poet.
Film director.
Master chef.
Chess Grand master
Brain surgeon.
Super model (of any size)
Or within 2 handshakes of Helen Bonham Carter.
Surely that’s not too much to ask for.
And that’s how Conall sees it.
Greetings fans and people who want to find further reasons to dislike me.
Welcome, to my one (as yet unnamed) super-fan.
Kyle is still away, in the land of Rugby and racial inequality.
So, welcome, to Conall’s introspective lexical choice bi-weekly blog of kick ass diction.
This week’s contentious issue based theme, is ‘Overrated A-Z’. With light fluttering humorous prose provided by Yours truly.
Oh God, Kyle when are you back from White Africa? I’m becoming more pretentious by the minute.
Overrated things
A. Acronyms. LOL YOLO WWW HSBC IDRLATARPA. The last one is I don’t really like acronyms they are really particularly annoying… My classic YOLO response, I understand and respect the fact you only live once, and I’m glad of this fact. Two life times of you would be intolerable. BOOM.
B: Business GCSE: The paper it’s printed on is actually worth more than the qualification.
C: Children. They’re like little adults, that can’t do any of the good things adults can do. They just eat, cry and poop in public. All of these are frowned upon by civilised people. Plus they are insatiably annoying little trolls. People say they are cute, If I regularly cried and defecated in public would this have the same effect? Would I be cute? Would I?
D: Dear John: Why was this film ever made? Why was this book ever written?
E: Equestrian: I like looking at horses, but I prefer them when they are running through a wild grassy field like that shot in black beauty. Not ridden by princesses in the Olympics…
F: Football. Sharp intake of breath from boys, nods of agreement from the ladies. Bare with me. It’s a good sport, but it’s not the be all end all of sports. If the world didn’t have football there would not be dominated by a crazed pre-human race who patrol in war gangs killing, pillaging and raping. It would be a world, without football. And notably less fascism… I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY.
G: Gel: So you desire to look like a wet porcupine? OK by me.
H: Hunger Games (the): *cries of WHAT! In the background’. Well, firstly, It’s entirely ripping of other (better) stories. See Battle Royal and The Lottery. Secondly, the heroin is just annoyingly illogical. I mean I enjoyed the first book, but then her actions just got weird. I don’t understand why if the people where so upset they were inspired into rebellion, then why didn’t they rebel sooner rather than later? Also whilst watching the film, I sat through one and a half hours of that annoying grinning male to see children being slaughtered (See C), what did I get. Blurry Jump-cuts. Where were the severed limbs? The hacking off of heads? The screams as the little girls are bludgeoned to death by multiple clubs? No-where. It just missed the whole brutality of it, and isn’t that the whole premise of the thing? Over-rated.
I: Inception: This movie is bad. Ruined by Leonardo decraprio (budumdum che). Who actually can’t act. All of the characters are dislikeable. It’s a sad sad day when Ellen Page, isn’t a kick as pregnant girl singing the mouldy peaches.
J: Jewellery, What I don’t understand is why people pay loads of money for a block of shiny Carbon placed delicately onto a metal with essentially useless properties.
K: Kilimanjaro: It is just a really big hill.
L: Lilly Allen: ‘I’m posh, Now I’m cockney, I’m Posh, Now I’m cockney, CHAV’, her music is repetitive, and she wrote a hate song about her brother, who seems to be quite cool.
M: Modesty: ooh, debatable. Basically modesty is overrated; yes we should be humble and respectful of what we have. But I don’t see why everyone is afraid to say ‘YES, I am good at this.’ Because they will be beaten to death by a crowd of depressed, rickets sufferers who think that any self-confidence is a devil in bible belt America. Loving oneself is the first step to loving others. (that may be a quote, but if it’s not I lay claim to being really really deep).
N: Normality: Well, it’s boring. We’re all 99.99999999% the same so why do we need to all pretend to be the same beyond that. We’re all 94% the same as a sheep. So why do we all need to get that extra 6%! I wake every morning to face the magnificent monotony of another extremely bland and banal day because of this conceptual idea of the social norm. Which is just a strange concept.
O: Orangeness: Particularly people who desire to be the colour between a Satsuma and an umpalumpa. Although it is a possible solution to racial inequality…
P: Pearce Morgan: What is he? Or more accurately: Why is he? My life would be better if he didn’t exist. He makes the British look stupid to Americans for a job. I already do enough to make myself look stupid. (see blog)
Q: Qualitative data: even though many of you have not heard of this. Its essentially useless. Particularly when the call centres call me, at an inappropriate hour ‘Can you just do a short survey?’
Ideal response: No, I have to go stop the pasta sauce burning, finish writing my blog, reading war and piece before having a shower, go to Tesco to buy Kleanex, just in time to catch the ending of Dirty Dancing.
Actual response: yes.
R: Reading blogs: I mean it’s just the pointless nattering’s of someone you neither know or like? Who even are you? I bet your lonely, that’s unfortunate.
S: Stephanie Mayor: Narrowly missing out on the underrated list for being the best available thesaurus for the following phrases. ‘shiny’ and ‘chiselled abs’.
T: Talent shows: Not only do they pollute our ears by televising cacophonies of dying cats, they also revealed that Britain’s most talented person is in fact a dog. Plus people who watch them don’t actually like them, Who bought the guys second single? Answer; no one.
U: Ultra-violet rays: Sun obsession is a worrying concept, I reckon our ‘Sun bed generation’ in fifty years will all look haggard, weather beaten and dying of skin cancer, stupid white people. Except me, who is openly fearful of large hot things.
V: Vintage: It just means old. Most people who wear ‘vintage clothes’ look a bit silly. But it can work out, if you do it properly... Sometimes…
W: Waves: Stupid wannabe particles. Overrated #Schrodinger.
X: X-rays: they’re not as cool as people think. I mean there is a reason the smiley woman stands behind the screen…
Y: Yellow by Coldplay: The most overrated song ever. First time you hear it your like ‘Its about to do something and change’ then it doesn’t. It’s just well, it’s all yellow. And conservative and it’s like slowly removing all the chili flakes and beans, then the meat, and tomatoes, from your chilly before eating it so you’re eating oil covered rice.
Z: Zero size models: Why would anyone want to be stick thin. I know it’s all about how the media defines beauty. From a male perspective we don’t really care what you look like… As long as you shower twice a day, take regular exercise, are below 6’1, go half’s for dinner, understand romance is dead, never question the bro code or the off side rule, don’t consume all the rooms oxygen, know when to be silent, never mention TOWIE ,X-factor or Hollyoaks, understand when something is or is not of the banter denomination and be at least one of the following super cool things.
Superhero.
World class sports person.
Artist or poet.
Film director.
Master chef.
Chess Grand master
Brain surgeon.
Super model (of any size)
Or within 2 handshakes of Helen Bonham Carter.
Surely that’s not too much to ask for.
And that’s how Conall sees it.
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Electro-shock treatment.
Welcome all
Loyal readers. Random internet strays. Keyboard warriors.
With Kyle still in S.A, Conall is back with some more Kick ass diction.
This time it's movie reviews and I've kept them short and sweet.
There may be 1 or 2 spoilers. Somewhere...
1. Taken: Liam Neeson beats up foreigners for an hour and a half. Then finds him and kills him. Winning.
2. The Matrix: That Rabbit hole goes deep.
3. Twighlight: A documentary about abusive paedophilia, in southern America. But its OK because Cedric looks like he’s 17.
4. Dear John: genuinely, I would rather castrate myself than watch this again.
5. Zoolander: I love the realistic view into the tough world of being really really ridiculously good looking. A must watch for all wannabe male models.
6. Hostel: This film was just lacking something, err, I can’t quite put my finger… Oh yeah a plot.
7. Seven: Sevenception, ‘WHATSS IN THEE BOXXX’.
8. Gangs of new York: Good but ruined by Leonardo decaprio.
9. Titanic: Ruined by DeCaprio.
10. Inception: wake up your in a dream that’s about to be ruined by De caprio…
11. Shutter Island: Ruine… Wait that film was crap to begin with.
12. I am Legend: So lets make a film with Will Smith and just completely rewrite the story… So its got loads of guns in and violence and a dog.
13. Toy Story 3: This ended my child hood. I threw away my toys once, it was sad.
14. Star wars episode 1: What happened George, really what happened?
15. Watchmen: WHY you change the ending. Why you change the ending?
16. Contagion: Laurence Fishburn playing another doctor SHOCK HORROR. Its funny how Matt Damon’s whole family dies in the first ten minutes though.
17. Dogma: Chris Rock and Alan Rickman, in the same film. Say no more.
18. Lord of the rings fellowship of the ring: They added the scene from Amon Hen which actually happens in two towers this inaccuracy erks me.
19. Lord of the rings the two towers: Since when did elves turn up at helms deep? JACKSON!
20. Lord of the rings return of the king: Why did you cut Prince imrahil, he’s bad ass. And not enough Sir Ian.
21. 50 first dates: Adam sandler being a dick. Who likes him anyway?
22. The Godfather : Marlon Brando, you could order my death anyday.
23. The Horde: Zombies + Policemen + FRENCH GANGSTERS. FILMGASM
24. 28 days later: Sometimes, I put on the music and I creep around the house. It makes me feel alive.
25. 28 weeks later: I like to forget about this piece of fly encrusted dog faeces.
26. Breakfast at tiffany’s: Why do people keep changing endings of things I just don’t Koala bear.
27. Reel steal: Fighting robots, wait I’ve seen this before and it had Ray Charles hosting it…
28. Mean Girls: ‘You can’t sit with us’ I don’t like it when people are mean, so I didn’t really like this film.
29. Charley and the chocolate factory (the original): A documentary about the mal-treatment of women workers in Newcastle.
30. Kick ass: This film is every little boys dream, loosing all feeling and never fearing a testikick again.
31. Legally blonde: IS it weird I actually like this film?
32. Stake land: A critic of Bible belt America disguised as a vampire flick, you what?
33. Mad Max 2: Suddenly the world ended. Didn’t take long.
34. I-robot: Asamov kicks arse. And so does Will Smith.
35. The stand: Baby can you dig your man? You can dig him a grave, lol super virus’s.
36. Batman Begins: This film is actually incorrect, don’t tell anyone but ‘I’m batman’
37. Tropic thunder: Watch it they said, it’ll be funny they said.
38. West Side Story: I like this film purely because the rival gangs are full of ballet dancers and I like to think turf wars are conducted through the medium of modernist ballet.
39. Anchorman: Would you like to hear me play jazz flute? The bit where Bricks like ‘And there was a guy on fire and I I killed a man with a trident’ Makes me laugh just thinking about it.
40. Sweeney Todd: This is what happened when Ted Bundey rewrote Mamma Mia.
41. Mamma Mia: James bond, Cannot sing.
42. Indianna Jones and the temple of doom: This is my favourite Indi film because it has a stereotyped Chinese kid in it, and I can relate to it better. (Not enough Shaun Connery).
43. This is England: A child, that can act? What is this blasphemy. (the other guy was annoying in Misfits though).
44. Superbad: The sequal to quite bad and moderately bad. Featuring Mclovin, if you hadn’t have seen this you’d probably think it was a ‘special’ film. Superbad featuring Mclovin….
45. Rec: This is the only film where the cameraman dies. #Realism.
46. House of 9: This film is shockingly bad, except the ending is really clever.
47. The running man: Arnold Swartzanegers first utterance of ‘I’ll be back’ The man barely speaks English, and still manages to destroy a Stephen King classic.
48. Another Earth: Its indie as a band t-shirt and the minimalist dialogue and beautiful acting surrounding an engaging plot. I like it ok, its actually worth seeing.
49. Harry Potter 1: A film about a socially clueless wizard boy with that guy who got his knob out in that play about horses.
50. Dirty dancing: A real portrayal of first love and finding romance. If you say you don’t like it, you are lying.
And that's how Conall sees it.
Loyal readers. Random internet strays. Keyboard warriors.
With Kyle still in S.A, Conall is back with some more Kick ass diction.
This time it's movie reviews and I've kept them short and sweet.
There may be 1 or 2 spoilers. Somewhere...
1. Taken: Liam Neeson beats up foreigners for an hour and a half. Then finds him and kills him. Winning.
2. The Matrix: That Rabbit hole goes deep.
3. Twighlight: A documentary about abusive paedophilia, in southern America. But its OK because Cedric looks like he’s 17.
4. Dear John: genuinely, I would rather castrate myself than watch this again.
5. Zoolander: I love the realistic view into the tough world of being really really ridiculously good looking. A must watch for all wannabe male models.
6. Hostel: This film was just lacking something, err, I can’t quite put my finger… Oh yeah a plot.
7. Seven: Sevenception, ‘WHATSS IN THEE BOXXX’.
8. Gangs of new York: Good but ruined by Leonardo decaprio.
9. Titanic: Ruined by DeCaprio.
10. Inception: wake up your in a dream that’s about to be ruined by De caprio…
11. Shutter Island: Ruine… Wait that film was crap to begin with.
12. I am Legend: So lets make a film with Will Smith and just completely rewrite the story… So its got loads of guns in and violence and a dog.
13. Toy Story 3: This ended my child hood. I threw away my toys once, it was sad.
14. Star wars episode 1: What happened George, really what happened?
15. Watchmen: WHY you change the ending. Why you change the ending?
16. Contagion: Laurence Fishburn playing another doctor SHOCK HORROR. Its funny how Matt Damon’s whole family dies in the first ten minutes though.
17. Dogma: Chris Rock and Alan Rickman, in the same film. Say no more.
18. Lord of the rings fellowship of the ring: They added the scene from Amon Hen which actually happens in two towers this inaccuracy erks me.
19. Lord of the rings the two towers: Since when did elves turn up at helms deep? JACKSON!
20. Lord of the rings return of the king: Why did you cut Prince imrahil, he’s bad ass. And not enough Sir Ian.
21. 50 first dates: Adam sandler being a dick. Who likes him anyway?
22. The Godfather : Marlon Brando, you could order my death anyday.
23. The Horde: Zombies + Policemen + FRENCH GANGSTERS. FILMGASM
24. 28 days later: Sometimes, I put on the music and I creep around the house. It makes me feel alive.
25. 28 weeks later: I like to forget about this piece of fly encrusted dog faeces.
26. Breakfast at tiffany’s: Why do people keep changing endings of things I just don’t Koala bear.
27. Reel steal: Fighting robots, wait I’ve seen this before and it had Ray Charles hosting it…
28. Mean Girls: ‘You can’t sit with us’ I don’t like it when people are mean, so I didn’t really like this film.
29. Charley and the chocolate factory (the original): A documentary about the mal-treatment of women workers in Newcastle.
30. Kick ass: This film is every little boys dream, loosing all feeling and never fearing a testikick again.
31. Legally blonde: IS it weird I actually like this film?
32. Stake land: A critic of Bible belt America disguised as a vampire flick, you what?
33. Mad Max 2: Suddenly the world ended. Didn’t take long.
34. I-robot: Asamov kicks arse. And so does Will Smith.
35. The stand: Baby can you dig your man? You can dig him a grave, lol super virus’s.
36. Batman Begins: This film is actually incorrect, don’t tell anyone but ‘I’m batman’
37. Tropic thunder: Watch it they said, it’ll be funny they said.
38. West Side Story: I like this film purely because the rival gangs are full of ballet dancers and I like to think turf wars are conducted through the medium of modernist ballet.
39. Anchorman: Would you like to hear me play jazz flute? The bit where Bricks like ‘And there was a guy on fire and I I killed a man with a trident’ Makes me laugh just thinking about it.
40. Sweeney Todd: This is what happened when Ted Bundey rewrote Mamma Mia.
41. Mamma Mia: James bond, Cannot sing.
42. Indianna Jones and the temple of doom: This is my favourite Indi film because it has a stereotyped Chinese kid in it, and I can relate to it better. (Not enough Shaun Connery).
43. This is England: A child, that can act? What is this blasphemy. (the other guy was annoying in Misfits though).
44. Superbad: The sequal to quite bad and moderately bad. Featuring Mclovin, if you hadn’t have seen this you’d probably think it was a ‘special’ film. Superbad featuring Mclovin….
45. Rec: This is the only film where the cameraman dies. #Realism.
46. House of 9: This film is shockingly bad, except the ending is really clever.
47. The running man: Arnold Swartzanegers first utterance of ‘I’ll be back’ The man barely speaks English, and still manages to destroy a Stephen King classic.
48. Another Earth: Its indie as a band t-shirt and the minimalist dialogue and beautiful acting surrounding an engaging plot. I like it ok, its actually worth seeing.
49. Harry Potter 1: A film about a socially clueless wizard boy with that guy who got his knob out in that play about horses.
50. Dirty dancing: A real portrayal of first love and finding romance. If you say you don’t like it, you are lying.
And that's how Conall sees it.
Tuesday, 10 July 2012
Replacement theoropy
Hello, all.
This is awkward.
Kyle is In SOUTH AFRICA. Where everyone is either racist or politically corrupt and the accent is like Australian but with more gusto.
So, This is Conall Taking over the blog. I'm not sure if it's a joint thing or a temporary addition. But Hello all.
Today I have decided to produce a list of underrated things for you all to purvey, so enjoy!
A: Avocado’s. They’re silky texture and delicious taste, will make a great addition to any salad. Or with lots of cottage cheese… I’m hungry.
B: Bin men! I once was watching the bin man from my window, and he took a Pikachu hat and some sweets out of a bin. And he wore the hat and took the sweets for his kids. What a lovely man. Whose job is so underrated.
C: Cacology, because it’s like the scorecard better home. (geek joke)
D:Diaghram you couldn’t live without it!
E: Elijah wood. The actor. He’s badass. And he played Frodo, and everyone was like ‘Oh Legolas you so baddass’ Who destroyed the ring? The 5’6 tank that is Elijah Wood. Underrated
F: Freedom, Underrated people don’t realise how free a country Britain is I can write pretty much anything I like, and most people won’t care but I still am free to do so!
G: General relativity, Einstein’s theory of Gravity, which he just came out with and was ignored. But it’s a colossal idea. Basically imagine a dog making a car and smoking a cigar whilst driving backwards without using a wing mirror, whilst on fire, and you’ll comprehend the magnitude of Einsteins original thought.
H: Holding hands. The most underrated aspect of courtship. Plus its scientifically proven touching people makes them like you! It’s like kissing for faceless people!
I: Iwan Rheon, the guy from Misfits who plays Simon. Not underrated your thinking, what you don’t know is. He’s incredible! He plays guitar and sings and is a nice human being and he’s like amazingly Welsh. Plus lets be honest, everyone had a crush on future simon in series 3.
J: Jokes, such as, ‘How do you know if someone has an I-phone? They tell you.’ ‘What do you call a teletubby that’s just been robbed? Tubby’ or ‘A higgs-boson walks into a church and the priest says ‘you can’t be in here’ and the boson replies ‘but you cant have a mass without me’.
K: Kindness, sometimes people hold a door or something and you think ‘why did they do that?’ Kind acts are underrated.
L: Lady of Shanghai (the) A film from the 1940’s which is really underrated, with Orson Welles and Rita Hepworth.
M: Me. Need I say more?
N: Nostalgia, originally used as a mental illness for French soldier off to war, now totally underrated. Who misses the 90’s? Wip out your Pokemon, NOSTALGIA TO THE MAX. I get nostalgic from Saturday night fever and I wasn’t even alive in the 70’s.
O: Ozymandias by Percy Shelley…
P: Poetry, In my opinion it’s the purest of art forms which most closely links author to reader, achieving the over all goal of art. To not only give to the receiver something to look at but to give the receiver a piece of oneself. Under the proviso it’s not overly wordy and pretentious.
Q: Quirkiness, its like a nice way to call people weird. Plus we all love the quirky ones we include them for our amusement.
R: Rita Hepworth, a talented 40’s actress who never made a bad film, and is quite possibly the most beautiful women who ever lived. Forget Monroe and Hepburn. It’s all about Hepworth. UNDERRATED.
S: Serotonin it’s the thing that makes you happy! ‘The happy hormone’ and the chief ingredient in Prozac. We never say ‘thank you high Serotonin levels’ Underrated.
T: Toilets, what would life be like without them?
U: Unilateral thinking, well it helps win arguments. And when people think unilaterally they usually get things done. Too much free thinking is a bad thing.
V: Vaccinations, don’t fancy polio or Whooping cough? Get Vaccinated. Underrated!
W: Water, your like ‘yeah it doesn’t taste of anything’ I’m like you are 70% water. BOOM.
X: X-rays provided by the NHS, loose but we all complain about the NHS and hospitals but who doesn’t love free health care.
Y: Youth, it’s the old cliché of wanting to get older, getting old and wanting to be young. Youthfulness is underrated.
Z: Zero Punctuation, its this guy on ‘ the escapist’ who reviews video games. I don’t even play video games but I watch him because he’s hilarious! Underrated.
And that's how Conall see's it.
This is awkward.
Kyle is In SOUTH AFRICA. Where everyone is either racist or politically corrupt and the accent is like Australian but with more gusto.
So, This is Conall Taking over the blog. I'm not sure if it's a joint thing or a temporary addition. But Hello all.
Today I have decided to produce a list of underrated things for you all to purvey, so enjoy!
A: Avocado’s. They’re silky texture and delicious taste, will make a great addition to any salad. Or with lots of cottage cheese… I’m hungry.
B: Bin men! I once was watching the bin man from my window, and he took a Pikachu hat and some sweets out of a bin. And he wore the hat and took the sweets for his kids. What a lovely man. Whose job is so underrated.
C: Cacology, because it’s like the scorecard better home. (geek joke)
D:Diaghram you couldn’t live without it!
E: Elijah wood. The actor. He’s badass. And he played Frodo, and everyone was like ‘Oh Legolas you so baddass’ Who destroyed the ring? The 5’6 tank that is Elijah Wood. Underrated
F: Freedom, Underrated people don’t realise how free a country Britain is I can write pretty much anything I like, and most people won’t care but I still am free to do so!
G: General relativity, Einstein’s theory of Gravity, which he just came out with and was ignored. But it’s a colossal idea. Basically imagine a dog making a car and smoking a cigar whilst driving backwards without using a wing mirror, whilst on fire, and you’ll comprehend the magnitude of Einsteins original thought.
H: Holding hands. The most underrated aspect of courtship. Plus its scientifically proven touching people makes them like you! It’s like kissing for faceless people!
I: Iwan Rheon, the guy from Misfits who plays Simon. Not underrated your thinking, what you don’t know is. He’s incredible! He plays guitar and sings and is a nice human being and he’s like amazingly Welsh. Plus lets be honest, everyone had a crush on future simon in series 3.
J: Jokes, such as, ‘How do you know if someone has an I-phone? They tell you.’ ‘What do you call a teletubby that’s just been robbed? Tubby’ or ‘A higgs-boson walks into a church and the priest says ‘you can’t be in here’ and the boson replies ‘but you cant have a mass without me’.
K: Kindness, sometimes people hold a door or something and you think ‘why did they do that?’ Kind acts are underrated.
L: Lady of Shanghai (the) A film from the 1940’s which is really underrated, with Orson Welles and Rita Hepworth.
M: Me. Need I say more?
N: Nostalgia, originally used as a mental illness for French soldier off to war, now totally underrated. Who misses the 90’s? Wip out your Pokemon, NOSTALGIA TO THE MAX. I get nostalgic from Saturday night fever and I wasn’t even alive in the 70’s.
O: Ozymandias by Percy Shelley…
P: Poetry, In my opinion it’s the purest of art forms which most closely links author to reader, achieving the over all goal of art. To not only give to the receiver something to look at but to give the receiver a piece of oneself. Under the proviso it’s not overly wordy and pretentious.
Q: Quirkiness, its like a nice way to call people weird. Plus we all love the quirky ones we include them for our amusement.
R: Rita Hepworth, a talented 40’s actress who never made a bad film, and is quite possibly the most beautiful women who ever lived. Forget Monroe and Hepburn. It’s all about Hepworth. UNDERRATED.
S: Serotonin it’s the thing that makes you happy! ‘The happy hormone’ and the chief ingredient in Prozac. We never say ‘thank you high Serotonin levels’ Underrated.
T: Toilets, what would life be like without them?
U: Unilateral thinking, well it helps win arguments. And when people think unilaterally they usually get things done. Too much free thinking is a bad thing.
V: Vaccinations, don’t fancy polio or Whooping cough? Get Vaccinated. Underrated!
W: Water, your like ‘yeah it doesn’t taste of anything’ I’m like you are 70% water. BOOM.
X: X-rays provided by the NHS, loose but we all complain about the NHS and hospitals but who doesn’t love free health care.
Y: Youth, it’s the old cliché of wanting to get older, getting old and wanting to be young. Youthfulness is underrated.
Z: Zero Punctuation, its this guy on ‘ the escapist’ who reviews video games. I don’t even play video games but I watch him because he’s hilarious! Underrated.
And that's how Conall see's it.
Friday, 15 June 2012
From Biltong To Yorkshire Puddings
Well hello there!
Once again, thanks for clicking on the link which leads to the rants and raves of a 16 year old teen.
So, wondering about the title? Well let me clear things up for you. In my first blog I explained how I'm basically from two countries. I got pretty used to living in South Africa, now I live in Yorkshire (North of England). So, that explains my title. From Biltong (a favorite food in SA) and Yorkshire Pudding (A favorite Yorkshire food). For those who don't know, biltong is dried meat, and Yorkshire pudding is NOT pudding! *gasp* It goes well with gravy and beef. So, away from the food, this entry is about the main differences between SA and England.
1. The People
One thing I found in SA, was that you were never far away from a nice person. People were friendly. School was a pleasure, simply because of the friends.
In England..... well... finding someone who doesn't want to make me question an entire generation of parents is like trying to find a non-foreign England cricketer.
Winner: South Africa
2. The Government
Ah, the ANC. The current party in power in South Africa. Status: Openly Corupt. The president of SA has been on trial for rape, and they like to treat themselves with new cars and houses with tax money. Jealous England?
Now, I've never really understood English politics. But I do know that if they are corrupt, they hide it rather well. And, as I have a friend who is on his way to Oxford to study politics, I will consult him and get back to you
Winner: England
3. Crime
Oh yes, it's the never ending debate. I'll start with South Africa. So, i'll say that living in SA isn't the safest thing ever, but it is not as bad as people make it out to be. If you act safely and don't act stupid, you'll be relativley safe.
Now, England. As someone who goes to college here, and who has a brother in school, I will say that it is scarier here. Not because of the grown up criminals, but the youth. I have a game where I try guess how many people are carrying knives. I just feel like they feel that if they are messed with, it's crime time.
So the first shock of the tournament Winner: South Africa
So, I will continue this next week, and name a final winner.
Quote of the Week: GRRRRRRRRRRHHARARSGDJMJNWNWBS - The Hulk
Thanks for reading guys!
Bye for now! :)
Once again, thanks for clicking on the link which leads to the rants and raves of a 16 year old teen.
So, wondering about the title? Well let me clear things up for you. In my first blog I explained how I'm basically from two countries. I got pretty used to living in South Africa, now I live in Yorkshire (North of England). So, that explains my title. From Biltong (a favorite food in SA) and Yorkshire Pudding (A favorite Yorkshire food). For those who don't know, biltong is dried meat, and Yorkshire pudding is NOT pudding! *gasp* It goes well with gravy and beef. So, away from the food, this entry is about the main differences between SA and England.
1. The People
One thing I found in SA, was that you were never far away from a nice person. People were friendly. School was a pleasure, simply because of the friends.
In England..... well... finding someone who doesn't want to make me question an entire generation of parents is like trying to find a non-foreign England cricketer.
Winner: South Africa
2. The Government
Ah, the ANC. The current party in power in South Africa. Status: Openly Corupt. The president of SA has been on trial for rape, and they like to treat themselves with new cars and houses with tax money. Jealous England?
Now, I've never really understood English politics. But I do know that if they are corrupt, they hide it rather well. And, as I have a friend who is on his way to Oxford to study politics, I will consult him and get back to you
Winner: England
3. Crime
Oh yes, it's the never ending debate. I'll start with South Africa. So, i'll say that living in SA isn't the safest thing ever, but it is not as bad as people make it out to be. If you act safely and don't act stupid, you'll be relativley safe.
Now, England. As someone who goes to college here, and who has a brother in school, I will say that it is scarier here. Not because of the grown up criminals, but the youth. I have a game where I try guess how many people are carrying knives. I just feel like they feel that if they are messed with, it's crime time.
So the first shock of the tournament Winner: South Africa
So, I will continue this next week, and name a final winner.
Quote of the Week: GRRRRRRRRRRHHARARSGDJMJNWNWBS - The Hulk
Thanks for reading guys!
Bye for now! :)
Friday, 8 June 2012
Musings
Hello readers!
So, this is my second entry in as many days. After posting my opening attempt at a blog yesterday, Im proud to say I had nothing but positive feedback! This did wonders for my confidence, and has inspired me to continue further in this venture. I would like to say however, after acquiring many opinions on the suggested interval between blogs, I setteled on weekly. I shall now post one brand spanking new entry every Friday.
So, at the end of my first blog, I said I would educate my friends on British Slang. However, after realising that the majority of the page viewers are infact British, I need more time
on that. I will go out, research, and THEN release an informative blog on the many variations of the colourful English language, such as: "Safe G" and "wacky backy" Yes that last one is hilarious.
So what will I be rambling on about today? Good question! I've decided today that I shall muse. For those who did not look up that word on the free online dictionary, it means to be lost in thought. I will start with the thought of my upcoming South Africa trip. Of course I plan on seeing friends, but as South Africa does schooling wrong, you will unfortunatly be in school the majority of the time. So I need other things to do. Any ideas or thoughts, contact me! So, that's thought one. Thought 2 is a look back on my day. I decided to eat lunch at McDonald's, and while eating I see a women eating a rather large salad. I know what your thinking, why put this is in a blog!? Well, I'm musing! I looked at this and I thought, surely ordering a salad in McDonalds is like ordering a microwave in Sports Direct? Again, these are all just thoughts
I decided to end this week's entry with a coupke of mentions as well as something that will be the way I end all future blogs. Thank you very much to Lisa Crofts, Holly Sullivan and Illa Gaitskill for VERY positive reviews, as well as Conall who threatened me, so I will mention him
My quote of the week: (Will sometimes be funny, sometimes be serious, depending on how I feel)
"I'm pretty sure YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people" - Jack Black
Thanks for reading!
Bye for now! :)
So, this is my second entry in as many days. After posting my opening attempt at a blog yesterday, Im proud to say I had nothing but positive feedback! This did wonders for my confidence, and has inspired me to continue further in this venture. I would like to say however, after acquiring many opinions on the suggested interval between blogs, I setteled on weekly. I shall now post one brand spanking new entry every Friday.
So, at the end of my first blog, I said I would educate my friends on British Slang. However, after realising that the majority of the page viewers are infact British, I need more time
on that. I will go out, research, and THEN release an informative blog on the many variations of the colourful English language, such as: "Safe G" and "wacky backy" Yes that last one is hilarious.
So what will I be rambling on about today? Good question! I've decided today that I shall muse. For those who did not look up that word on the free online dictionary, it means to be lost in thought. I will start with the thought of my upcoming South Africa trip. Of course I plan on seeing friends, but as South Africa does schooling wrong, you will unfortunatly be in school the majority of the time. So I need other things to do. Any ideas or thoughts, contact me! So, that's thought one. Thought 2 is a look back on my day. I decided to eat lunch at McDonald's, and while eating I see a women eating a rather large salad. I know what your thinking, why put this is in a blog!? Well, I'm musing! I looked at this and I thought, surely ordering a salad in McDonalds is like ordering a microwave in Sports Direct? Again, these are all just thoughts
I decided to end this week's entry with a coupke of mentions as well as something that will be the way I end all future blogs. Thank you very much to Lisa Crofts, Holly Sullivan and Illa Gaitskill for VERY positive reviews, as well as Conall who threatened me, so I will mention him
My quote of the week: (Will sometimes be funny, sometimes be serious, depending on how I feel)
"I'm pretty sure YOLO is just Carpe Diem for stupid people" - Jack Black
Thanks for reading!
Bye for now! :)
Thursday, 7 June 2012
My First Cliche Blog
Well, this is my first blog. As you will have noticed, the title shows that my blogs will be about my life, points of views and various other observations as a 16 going on 17 year old teen living in Leeds, Yorkshire, England.
Right, now that the boring parts out of the way, lets get down to business. First of all, I would like to apologise for any grammatical errors I WILL make. Im sure my blogs will be quite the adventure for all you Grammar Nazi's out there! Secondly, I would like to put across my aim for this blog. Most bloggers wish to have their blogs talked about and shared all over the place. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't the same. I too have this aim. However, I am aware of the reality. So I fall back on Plan B. To keep my friends and family (and a few strangers) updated with the happenings in my life, as well as a laugh every now and again. If you could share my blog, that would be great! But I'm sure many of you have grand reputations to uphold, so if sticking to reading is your thing, that's also great!
Now that I've covered the gist of my blog, I'll cover the writer, ME. For those who don't know me, my name is Kyle Shiels. I have had the privilege of growing up in two different countries, those being England and South Africa. Both great countries, and the inhabitants of each will forever argue over which one is better. I will undoubtably make many referances to both during my time blogging, as I consider each to be my home. I do promise to have one of my entires focus on the pros and cons of each, at the end of which I will name a victor! (which will be purely based on opinion)
So, I've all but finished my first blog. I tried to include all of the cliche things you expect in a first blog, though if I haven't, let me know in the comment section, and I will include them in my next entry!
I hope you have enjoyed reading my first cliche blog. My next blogs won't be so common, as I will try to educate my South African friend's in: British Slang 101
Thank Yopu very much for reading! I look forward to my next entry for all you blog readers!
Bye for now! :)
Right, now that the boring parts out of the way, lets get down to business. First of all, I would like to apologise for any grammatical errors I WILL make. Im sure my blogs will be quite the adventure for all you Grammar Nazi's out there! Secondly, I would like to put across my aim for this blog. Most bloggers wish to have their blogs talked about and shared all over the place. I would be lying if I told you I wasn't the same. I too have this aim. However, I am aware of the reality. So I fall back on Plan B. To keep my friends and family (and a few strangers) updated with the happenings in my life, as well as a laugh every now and again. If you could share my blog, that would be great! But I'm sure many of you have grand reputations to uphold, so if sticking to reading is your thing, that's also great!
Now that I've covered the gist of my blog, I'll cover the writer, ME. For those who don't know me, my name is Kyle Shiels. I have had the privilege of growing up in two different countries, those being England and South Africa. Both great countries, and the inhabitants of each will forever argue over which one is better. I will undoubtably make many referances to both during my time blogging, as I consider each to be my home. I do promise to have one of my entires focus on the pros and cons of each, at the end of which I will name a victor! (which will be purely based on opinion)
So, I've all but finished my first blog. I tried to include all of the cliche things you expect in a first blog, though if I haven't, let me know in the comment section, and I will include them in my next entry!
I hope you have enjoyed reading my first cliche blog. My next blogs won't be so common, as I will try to educate my South African friend's in: British Slang 101
Thank Yopu very much for reading! I look forward to my next entry for all you blog readers!
Bye for now! :)
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