Universe(ity) or the crippling Freshers hang over.

HEY KICK ASS DICTION FANS! Conall here, Long time no speak. I’ve been busy lurnin to spek gud & right Gud at da Unaversity of Queen Mary. I’m now a drama student. So I’m going to make more cutting and insightful comments on here. And who knows I may actually blog with some relevance at some point about vaguely political things or maybe theatre or about living in London. Who knows the world is my oyster card.

5 Important lessons I have learnt at University.

1.       People conform really quickly to basic social conventions… Basically during freshers you do this thing where you ask 3 questions and don’t really care about the answers. These are, your name, what you study and where are you from. From this I received three generic replies ‘Conner?’ (My name takes two goes to get; sometimes I have to spell it). ‘Oh drama that’s interesting… So you want to be an actor then?’ and ‘Oh your northern/where’s that up north?’… What I originally thought was stigma about being northern is just how people from the south display love. They all love Yorkshire and have some vague uncle who once delivered a parcel of meat to friend in Shefield and survived. I mean why not love Yorkshire we brought loads of great things into the world, me, the correct way to say scone, Yorkshire tea, the second best county cricket team and most importantly that hilarious twerk joke.

2.       Somewhere inside me is a very confused little girl. So in a recent workshop from Julia Bardsley (this was a really long process which I shall lampoon here even though it was actually quite fascinating) we had to create a ‘persona’ through ritual by wearing other people’s clothes… Mine ended up as a little girl called Mrs Claire Lee Divided with a sock puppet best friend called Handy… Anyway these are supposedly abstractions of ourselves… So now I can no longer sleep at night.

3.       Sleeping, eating and reading are the basic human functions.

4.       Freshers flu is not a myth. Freshers flu is real. And I have seen it and oh lord does it have a strong wrath.

5.       You’re not really a contemporary performance artist until you put boobs in your work. They have a secret club that your only allowed in if you have had partial nudity in your work. It’s true google it. This has led me to constant fear that the uni will block my internet because  of the amount of flesh on display… But it’s art so its socially acceptable.

6.       I said 5. But because the blogs all edgy now I have 6. People in London need to take walking lessons, because they all just want to walk into you for a cheeky hug. The lovable robotic workaholic money rich time poor denizens of our capital. I like to think the whole of London is just playing a huge primary school game of kiss catch.

You don’t have to agree with any of these things because after all it’s just how Conall sees it.

Exams.

Welcome to all the stressed out teenagers and angst ridden young adults. Who are currently struggling through their exams. I know you’re all feeling awfully like a quadriplegic Sisyphus right now and you’re social life is about as good as Kyle’s… 

For example and I quote ‘Thinking of buying a milkshake and a chocolate bar for my Saturday night. Too wild?’ The less said the better.

Anyway I wanted to help out all you kick ass diction fans. With some kick-ass exam tips, mighty enough to make examiners tremble… Or maybe just chill you out a bit.

-         - Take a break. You know after you’ve done those 6 hours studying how nuclear reactors work, or how many catholic Spaniards died in the Spanish civil war or how valuable the blue prints are for the bat mobile. It’s best to take a break. The brain needs rest it’s like a hamster in a sci-fi film that has to power the world on it’s wheel, in this analogy you’re the hamster and you need to rest. (Better analogies on a postcard please). In fact you’re taking a break now. Read on…

-      -    Get on some new tunes! Music helps me revise I think it should help everyone. Current revision favourites, Explosions In the sky (for those who can’t revise with words). See the earth is not a cold dead place. Alessi’s Ark – Constellations and Anais Mitchell –Changer. But feel free to throw in your own vibes.

-       -   If you have to cram. Cram 24 hours in advance. Yes science backs this… I don’t really have anything funny to say… This is a genuine tip.

-          - Get a dog. Everyone needs a constant friend every now and then.

-         -  Recapture you’re childhood: get a bouncy ball. Bouncy balls are cool. Or make a sock puppet and get it to recite Blake.

-        - Every morning repeat the following
‘I [insert name] am a complete don at everything. I am the crazy 60’s love child of Tesla and Shakespeare. Examiners fear me because I am ready to kick the worlds behind. Exams got nothing on my Greek god like calves. *jump up and down three times and repeat* I am a tiger I am a tiger I am a tiger.

-       -  This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQi8W1afSEQ

-        -  And last but not least. Exams aren't the be all end all. They’re just their to give you a piece of paper that says you can do something. Value yourself as a human a bit more and relax. Lets all love each other a little more.

Because that’s how Conall sees it. 

Hello there. So, it's been a while since I contributed to this blog that was actually originally mine. To say Conall has kept it alive would be an understatement. BUT I'm back now, and will be writing about something I think we can all relate to.

In Conalls last post, he taught us what we can learn from good ole' Jay-Z. So to that end, I decided to write about what we can learn from Mr Kick-Ass Diction himself, Conall Borowski.

5 THINGS CONALL BOROWSKI HAS TAUGHT ME

1) Spitting in someone's face is sometimes the right way to do it. During our drama groups latest production of Faust, the final scene had me dragging a yelling Conall from the stage (How I actually imagine he will go one day). While we practised it, I noticed that I was getting quite a large amount of saliva thrown at me. When asking about it he simply replied "If you're not spitting on them, you're not doing it right."

2) If you're better than someone at something, make sure they know it. While I type this, I'm recovering from a day of cricket with the C-Man. A day in which he won, well, everything. I know this because he told me. And told me again. And told me again. A trait that would earn many people a swift and painful punch (not from me of course, I bruise like a peach) seems oddly endearing on Conall. We can all learn a valuable lesson from this. I'm just not sure what it is.

3) Swords.

4)  A good Powerpoint presentation can get you very far in life. I haven't known Conall THAT long, but in the short time we have been friends, I have learned the importance of Powerpoint. The things that can be achieved with a fancy background, bullet points and a list are uncountable. Ranging from school projects to getting dates. I repeat. Powerpoints. It's the way forward.

5) Everything I like is wrong. In previous blogs, you may have noticed Conalls constant jabs at what I like. Over the course of our short but on-going friendship, I don't think Conall and I have found a single thing that we have in common. Nope. Not one. He likes Jazz, I like anything but jazz. I like Imagine Dragons, he likes to make fun of the fact I like Imagine Dragons.

While these lessons are all harsh in their own way, it never seems to detract from the fact that Conall is actually a decent human being who is quite fun to be around. I'm sure he'll teach me many things over the next few months before he ditches me for Uni, and I'm sure we'll have many more stories to tell.

Till next time.

Kyle.

Encased by my pericardium.

Welcome back all kick ass diction fans. Sorry for the hiatus the blog has been busy with producing for other blogs about theatrical things. Link at the bottom if you want it ;)

But today I would like to discuss something well, quite close to my heart.

5 Life lessons I have learnt from Jay-Z. (The Motherfudging greatest).

1.     If your real name is Shaun Corey Carter. Change it to something dope.  I mean your probably going to get bullied for being an ER doctor, South Park character or the 39^th president. Not to mention simply being called Shaun. So if you’re called Carter change the name change the scene. May I suggest ‘Dee-Y’, ‘Gee-F’ or ‘Ess-O’.  You’ll be so cool, your life will be a walking Lynx advert.

      2.   If you ever get the chance, Marry Beyonce. This is very important advice to everyone, if you have a chance and you like it. Then put  a ring on it. Sometimes I like to pretend I’m Beyonce and walk around in a black leotard I mean we all have our coping strategies.

      3.  When you are selecting your top bro’s always select Barack Obama. Not only is ‘Bambam’ the president of the US of A. He is one of the single coolest people on the planet. In fact if he said ‘YOLO’ or ‘Swag’ I’d probably be like ‘Oh my god his lexical choices are quite delectable’.

     4.  If you gotta do a crappy career. Wear a suit. I mean he’s a rapper ‘the ghettoest job ever’ but he wears like suits. He’s like the godfather of Rap music. The man has the dress sense of a member of the rat pack. Got a crap job? Wear a Baddass suit. We can also observe this lesson from batman.

      5.If you’re depressed, get a dog. I mean he even said himself, he had 99 problems but his dog wasn’t one. So if you have had a hard day at work, or a bad day, get a dog. So they can cheer you up! But if your dog misbehaves it’s best to just kill it. I recommend the Will Smith technique as shown in I am Legend. Because you can have 99 problems but it should never include your house pet.

I hope you can learn from these things too. I hope you can be the greatest and fight your own way from the ghetto, and marry Beyonce.  Even if you don’t it’s just how Conall sees it.

Our theatre groups blog:
http://escapecytblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/faust-us-conall-borowski-and-kyle-shiels/

From Aberystwyth to Berlin. (This has no relevance).

Pre-blog: *we stopped briefly to play rock, paper, lizard, Spock*.
As a pre-request we would like everyone to link this blog to Beyonce’s twitter account. (@Beyonce). With the tag #PutARingOnIt.

Today’s theme is the top 10 things you do before doing other things.

In at 5:
Prinks: The old British Classic Drinking lots before going out on a night of drinking. Where is the logic in this, it’s like eating before going out for a meal… #TESLA

4. Pre-Raphaelites
These guys are so cool. Their collectively more famous than their namesakes Raphael.   DOPE MAN DOPE.
Kyle: I don’t know who they are….

3. Pre-Doctor
Conall: The refreshing 20 minutes where you wash before going out to the doctors because it’s your only chance to meet other people and finally talk about yourself to another human being. And potentially have Their hands on your face or leg and finally find unique compassion in another beings touch…
Kyle: The hour out for meditation for mental preparation for a new episode of DOCTORWHOOO.
*Conall attempts to do the theme tune.*
Kyle: WRONG!
AIN'T NO PARTY LIKE A TIME LORD PARTY. BECAUSE TIME PARTY AINT BOUND BY TYPICAL TEMPORAL PARAMETERS AND THUS DOES NOT STOP.

2. Pre-school
Kyle: Three years of your life preparing for something even more crap.
Conall: Until you discover girls. Or not *cough* Kyle *cough*.

1. THE PRE-BLOG.
BECAUSE WE JUST INVENTED IT.
AND YOU GOT 99 PROBLEMS BUT A BLOG AIN'T ONE.

PEACE. And that is how Conall sees it.
(Kyle says Bye).

Kyle on Dating (Re:named). Kyle's desire to be unhappy.

Today Me and Kyle began with an argument over who would type. Because Kyle does not have word, Conall is typing. Bloody incompetent White people.  They should call you the Kite Runner. Haha literary joke Kyle didn’t understand because his favourite book is the hungry hungry caterpillar.
At this point Conall began a writers’ strike. So Kyle took over the writing.

Well, welcome to the blog that is designed to make me look bad, and Conall like a God. This post should put me in a better light, as your "hero" Conall is on a writer strike. And by writer strike, I mean on the same Skype call with me, trying to retune his horrendous sounding guitar. #NIRVANANIRVANA #YOLO #TESLA

Today we will discuss dating, again. A subject which 50 per cent of this blog writing team knows a little something about, massive clue, it’s Kyle. Kyle plays the field. KYLE you whore.

Yup, it's me. I'm an expert on the theory side of the things. Kind of like how when you know all the rules to football, but never actually play football because you have crippling bad asthma and an inferiority complex which always leaves you on the side-lines. I mean I read a lot of books on the subject and by books I mean articles and by articles I mean, the lust page of the metro (sometimes).

Kyle then thoroughly regretfully said ‘Conall, you’re going to have to type this. I have absolutely no idea what to say’.

So I am renaming this blog post. Kyle’s desire to be unhappy.

Conall: Why do you wanna be so unhappy Kyle?
Kyle: It’s because the world is full of kittens and I am a raving homosexual. *this was edited because Kyle’s answer was too mushy*
Conall: SO Kyle what’s your type?
Kyle: Single, and lonely. Intellectual but not as intellectual as you.
Conall: On a scale of, Britney to Voltaire, how intellectual?
Kyle: I say maybe, I dunno. Smarter than me because I can’t think of anyone with a similar IQ to which I desire.
Conall: What about looks Kyle?
Kyle: I really can’t afford to be picky.
Conall: So basically the three things you require, are being female, watches doctor who  and sight impaired?
At this point Kyle repeated ‘Asshole’ a few times, so I assume you need one of those too.
Kyle: All I have ever done is love you. You’re just so cruel to me.
So I wrote a poem. It goes like this.
Once there was a boy from Leeds / Who invaded all Facebook feeds / He's always online, he has way too much time, / Also an enthusiast of beads
Conall briefly reviewed this: You’re so deep you are like a well. You are well. This sad sad story which you reflect through your blank verse  is extremely personal and we can see Kyle at a real low point in his life. Like Sylvia when her oven wouldn’t turn on.

So if anyone with thick glasses, a skirt and loves doctor who is reading this blog. Please call: 0755202 (i have left this phone number incomplete because Kyle said it was unfair hint. The last 4 numbers are 1234).
Forget red nose day, this is the charity appeal you need to be part of.
Because that’s how Conall sees it.

The inability of man (Kyle)

#YOLOYOLOSWAGSWAG,

Welcome all to the FIRST EVER joint post from CONALLKYLE. Conall is first because he is typing (and better).

We are going to do our desert Island *mutters of appreciation from the Conall’s arty fan club*. Sorry to all kick ass diction followers there will be mostly err eclectic music tastes over to Kyle for his first pick of 8.

1 Kyle: SO I need 8 albums. My first would probably be *long pause, some hmminh* living things from Linkin park.
Conall: Wow that’s bad grammar…
Kyle: Friday is forgiveness day. #REPENTANCE.
Top track: HSHFULLOFASS
Conall: In English?
Kyle: Castle of Glass. Because it was all I listened to on the way back to south Africa on the plane. Reminds me of family.
Conall: I was going to make a really sarcastic joke about this but now you’re just being cute. I refuse to listen to linkin park because they are sell-outs. WE DON’T SWEAR. WE’RE CALLING THING ALBUM F### My D##k. ¬¬

Conall 1: Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.
Kyle: At this point you will see a massive contrast in our music taste.
Conall: Well lets be honest it is the best jazz record ever made. Highlight: So what. DAT TRUMPET
Kyle: Err yeah, I’ll agree with you…

Kyle 2:  Green day: American idiot.
Conall: So you pick the worst Green day album?
Kyle: This is because when I was younger eating pie... Kyle refused to finish the sentence due to a massive breakdown.

Which involved Nutella and Kleenex and 6 watches of Dirty Dancing.

Conall 2: Benjamin Francis leftwich Last smoke before the snow storm. For pure sentimental value. And it’s quality. Top Track: Don’t go slow. Because sometimes slow is fast.

Kyle 3: I wanted to name boulevard of broken dreams.
Conall: MY SHALLOW HEARTTSS ONLY THE THING THAT’S FLEETING DEEEDNNNANANA I WALK I WALK AAA *JAZZ HANDS*.
Kyle: My favourite album at the minute, Imagine Dragons – Night Visions.
Kyle’s explanation wasn’t funny so it’s cut.

Conall 3:The Strokes – IS this it.
Kyle: Why is that?
Conall: Because, there’s every other band then theres the strokes. Plus they’re named after a violent medical condition, dope. #YOLO.

Kyle 4: Two steps from Hell. I don’t know what you call the genre.
Conall: Dramatic film score. Making life epic since like the last 35 seconds.

Conall had a crisis at this point unable to choose between Ingrid olava and joy division.
He thusly debated himself coming to the conclusion what his discs needed was some post punk revival,

And thusly he plums for The Rakes Ten new messages.
Conall: What can I say. Sorry Ingrid I love you. But this has to be on the island with me, so when I get drunk and lonely I can listen to it. WHERE HAS ALL THE RUM GONE. WHY HAS THE RUM GONE. Moving gracefully and swiftly on. A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME ARRGGGG

Kyle 5: Hmm what am I missing?
Conall: Some good music.  APPLY TO ICE TO THAT BURN.
Kyle: Girls just wanna have fun – Cindy Lauper.
Conall: Just to clarify Kyle did not pick this. Kyle took to long, so I picked what I assumed to be his favourite album. Highlight: Girls just wanna have fun. Always the sign of a good night.

Conall 5: The soft eyes – Lets dance to our own beats. Which you’ve probably never heard of.
I LOVE NORWEIGAN SYNTH POP. SO WHAT,
Kyle: I am not nearly as hipster as you. Why can I not say anything without it going in,
Conall: selective censorship.

At this point Kyle was out of music, so we shall move on to luxury items.
Kyle: Ermmmm. Gameboy. STANDARD.
Conall: At this point I would like to point out, on Pokémon gold I have a level 100 garrydos which will own every Pokémon you have ever had.

Conall: Laxative. Because I am assuming the island we will be on will have lots of guava… No I am changing my mind. My luxury Item is Marvin Gaye.
Kyle: Marvin Gaye is not a luxury Item.
Conall: What is he then a commodity! Treat people with respect. You’re just jealous I will get all the attention from the islanders.

Kyle book: A series of unfortunate events – the end.
Conall: So you pick a kids book.
Kyle: It has sentimental value.

Conall book: The complete works of Sylvia Plath.
Kyle is moaning about this not being fair for some reason. I dunno.
Conall: I love Sylvia Poetry + the bell jar will be a consistent source of entertainment whilst we use Mr Snicket as loo roll.

Kyle: Yes  I will take the bible. I love god. I am virtually Jesus. Love love me say that you love me.
Conall: No. I will not take the bible I want to take Human all too human.
Kyle: Why do you not take the Qu’ran.
Conall: Because the philosophical outlook of one Friedrich Nietzsche will provide hours of hilarious fun as we discover how nihilistic and solipsistic one can become, which will in turn become hilarious as we realise our so called tragedy of being abandoned on an island is in fact meaningless and our whole lives are of no value whatsoever especially Kyle’s.
Kyle: People who don’t know us will wonder why we’re friends. You’d make a good journalist.
Conall: Yeah but I want a real job.
(Kyle is on a journalism course).

Well that was our abbreviated desert island discs. Which shows just how much Kyle’s music taste sucks.
I did ask him how he wanted to end this. But he replied
‘I have a feeling you won’t listen to anything I say’. To this I say, I am glad on our fictional island he will have the chance to read Nietzsche.

At this point Kyle is still grumpy because I refused to retype his book choice to make it the walking dead graphic novel. But I don’t see how this will change things as it will still be used as a fire lighter.

Because that is how Conall Sees it.