White torture, a response to Kyle (Or, the six people who are cooler than you but you never knew where cooler than you but are actually way way cooler than you).

Welcome back Kick ass diction critical annalists.
Firstly, Kyle is wrong. He is trippin' like a nun on MDMA. Just crazy wrong. His tendency for murder is bordering sociopath, he just wants to see people die. I would rather have my flesh eaten from by bones by hungry Justin Beiber fans than actually watch Easternders. His one poor reason, was not creditable and his rebuttal was basically childlike and well disappointing. So I am right because I am Conall.

If Kyle doesn’t post again. I killed his sociopathic murdering arse, for disrespecting Masterchef Australia. #Justice

On with my post. This one is catchily titled, ‘People who are cooler than you but you didn’t realise where cooler than you. But are actually way way cooler than you.’
I hope you not only purvey my opinion, I hope you look into the people on the list, and wallow in your own socially rejected misery.

1.       Lenny Bruce
A comedian from the late 50’s early 60’s. He was erm, a bit erm, radical? He was one of those opinionated people who voiced there opinions, sound like anyone you know?
‘A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.’ He was arrested for indecency, and pissed off(on) Americans almost as much as Sadam Hussain, but he belittled their tiny fat arses. But like Sadam, his weapons where given to him by America, and he poked fun at republicans, politics and the politically correct revolution began.

2.       August Sanders
A German post WW1 photographer, famous for his portraits. He’s like the shaggy of the photography world. He may look like Hannibal lector, but I’m sure he is warm and fluffy inside. Well he’s probably mostly jellified rotten flesh now… But anyway, he was a socialist in Nazi Germany. And that is cool.

3.       Louis Armstrong.
He can play, cornet, trumpet, scat sing, has an airport names after him and can sing the pants of all your mama’s, sisters and aunties. Simultaneously. But he wouldn’t because he’s a stand up guy. Plus get this right, everyone loved him in an America full of racists. Plenty cool.

4.       Sir Ian Mckellen
On a graph of you to Sir Ian, your like maybe a o.7 Gradient at best. This mans coolness is exponential. Not only is he a Shakespearian actor, he played Gandalf ergo is the coolest man alive. Also his episode of extras is my favourite.

5.       Carl Sagan
The man who made physic’s cool. Pale blue dot is one of my favourite things ever.
When I think of cool I think of this man, he combines cutting fashion sense, physics, wit and a general humanist outlook on life. -1^(1/2) less than 3 Mr Sagan.

6.       Miguel Angel Jimanez.
Three simple reasons why he’s so cool.
His name, is the best name ever.
He’s a professional sportsman and his warm-up is to smoke an expensive cigar.
He’s nickname is the mechanic, because his love for driving really expensive cars. Like a boss.

I hope you will now realise there are many, many people cooler than you. Looking upon this list I have decided if I could become a combination of these people, I’d be an actor, playing a golfer in a soul musical, who has radical socialist views, swears a lot and loves astrophysics. With a massive personality disorder, depression, lung cancer, have everything I mean burnt by Nazi’s and be rejected by American society.
Everyone would probably hate me, but it would be so awesome.

And that’s how Conall See’s it.

The Public Apology

Hello readers

So, Im not one to normally spam blogs, like some friends I know, but I feel forced into an impromptu post, due to a scathing attack on my previous 'Top 5' list

Its just below, but if your lazy like Mitt Romney's fact researcher then Ill summarize.
Conall disagreed with my choice of Eastenders in my list of favorite shows. Now I understand its not popular with the hipster youth of today, but I will defend my decision, rather than bow and lie that I give a crap about Masterchef Australia, where I presume they just barbecue shrimp?

Right so I am going to provide you with 5 reasons why I, Kyle Shiels, find Eastenders bearable at this point in time

1) The Murder
When I was watching, there had been a murder (as there always is) and I got into it. The acting was sub par, but the story was ok

I cant think of anymore

Before you chastise me, Id like to remind you I was in South Africa, where the only other choice of tele was watching my poor cricket team get dealt a harsh lesson in batting by a man who wears his hair on his chin, or South African soaps in another language. So I watched Eastenders. Sue me

I expect Conall will claim he is right purely on the basis that he is Conall

So, thats all I have to say on that.

No sign off line this time, but just play the Eastenders music as you leave this page. Ta for now

Chinese water torture A.K.A Eastenders.

Dearest reader, kick-ass diction fans, I would like to offer you a sincere apology; Kyle decided not talking about his trip was a good idea. But instead he wrote absolute tripe on the best TV shows. Any best TV show list that features Eastenders, is worthy of ritual suicide. Except the ‘how I met your mother’ one, which is one of life’s great questions. Why is it called that?
Anyway.

So the theme of this week is 5 things that might have happened to Kyle, to make him do such a shameful thing.

1. He has adopted the stereotype of a middle aged woman. Whilst in south Africa, Kyle had a crisis of gender and took a sex change, the trauma from the surgery has aged him significantly, meaning he can empathise with characters from soaps. Sorry Ladies, Kyle is now a man.

2. Hallucinogenic drugs, Kyle was feeling sorry for himself and a bit stuck with things to write. So he took, more drugs than the Beatles whilst writing ‘I am the Walrus’. He was higher than a kite attached to a jet plane which has been launched into the stratosphere. He then mistook, the purple elephant duelling with Gimli for an episode of Eastenders.

3. Blackmail, his whole family, have been taken. Kyle does not have the necessary skills to make him a nightmare for people like you. In a trade off, he wrote the previous post. If you are out there, please, please return Kyle’s family.
4. He has been influenced by politics. So he just lies all the time. Like that film, about the habitual liar. But more dramatic, like Die Hard mixed with that film whose name alludes me. In this case, he also has not returned from South Africa, locationseption.

5. Kyle has taken part in an experiment, where he has his eyelids taped back and is forced to watch soap opera’s. And he is now a crazed sociopath, who regularly has plot twists and has little or no character depth. And hangs out in a pub. And is going to be type cast for the rest of his life.

So guys, I’m sorry for his behaviour. And when I find out what happened to him, It’s going to be like a cheap remake of bad boys 2 without the drugs, cars or police.
Because, that’s how Conall sees it.

The Great Return

Hello Readers

As you could maybe fathom from the title, I am back from Rascist La- uh, I mean South Africa.

Dont worry you die hard Conall fans, he is still part of this blog. Kick-ass diction will return next week, and for now you'll have to deal with me. So stop crying and knashing your teeth, and deal with it.

So, I was considering telling you about my holiday in South Africa, but then I decided that would be boring for me, so tonight, Im going to ramble about my top 5 favorite TV Shows. Yay

5. How I Met Your Mother
A very funny, well written sitcom. I find myself immersed in hours of contemplation into who this darned mother is. Watch it, start from series 1

4. Eastenders
I hear some gasps. So for those who are judging, I will explain. It occasionally provides a gripping story line, that makes me wonder what will happen next. Dont watch it. Youll never catch up.

3. The Big Bang Theory
Finally, a show thats not about attractive studs who have sex with everyone. A very entertaining, well thought out show. Watch it. Start from series 1

2. Sherlock
A modern version of Sir Arthur Conan Doyles classic books. Set in modern day London, it is a fantastic, gripping and amazing show. Watch it. I dont care where you start, just watch it

1. Doctor Who
A sci-fi drama series about an alien. Its about so much more, but number 1, I dont have time to explain, and number 2, you wouldnt understand, because you are not as smart as Conall and I. Anyway, watch it. Start from the first episode. Which aired in 1963. Yes. You heard me

And thats a wrap from my weekly ramble!

Thanks for reading!

Bye for now! :)