Hollywood or the long walk to institutionalised racism.

So kick ass diction fans.

 I am here to discuss something which to me is an incredibly aggravating topic. Why is Idris Elba playing Nelson Mandella? Don’t get me wrong with the exception of MickyBrickOthello Adrian Lester the Elba is probably the best black British actor alive today. Other suggestions on a post card please. But that’s just the point, the movie industry’s I hate everyone who’s not American or little American (England) Or that American’s camp buddy (Canada). Yet in all seriousness is their not one black South African Actor to portray the hero of their country? Is their genuinely not a single actor in South Africa? This severely riles me. Conall does not like institutional racism. 

So here’s my top 5 suggestions of People who would be better than Elba to play Mandella.

1). Any Black South African. At least they’ll have a real S.A accent. 

2). Mandella himself Morgan Freeman. Anyone who’s seen Invictus will know the truth. Plus he’s a great actor. And don’t we just love him. I call it the Freeman love charm. He’s like Harry Potter, the sparkly one from Twighlight, Buddy the Vampire slayer, Sir Ian Mckellen, Brad Pitt and Arni. All mixed up into one elderly gentleman’s body. I still reckon he could beat me in a fight though.

3) Jennifer Lawrence. Ok this one’s a little left wing. But I think she’s a great actress… This is because of her talent not because I’m a fanboy or anything… *FANGIRL NOISE* Plus isn't she just the perfect example of a modern woman. I think their should be more people like her in hollywood. Without eating disorders and no humor impairments. Oh and genuine talent...

4). Archbishop Desmond tutu and his nobel peace prize. He was their as well… #Realism. 

5) Forest Whitiker and Daniel Day Louis. Alternatively having a scene each Whittiker and Louis would just method the part to madness. They’d probably imprison themselves on Robben Island. But combined playing the single Part of Mandella they would be an unstoppable pair. And wouldn’t this be a great display of racial equality. Though this would be a really mad Rainbow Nation.

These suggestions probably aren’t that good except the first 1 and the third one… The others are a bit like putting mud in a cup and calling it coffee. You work that one out.
Because that’s just how Conall sees it.

Just the right amount phallic

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me ten minutes of your life for some brand spanking new kick ass diction. You like my theatrical engagement? It was pretty good right, I probably should have put a pun in but you probably wouldn’t Julius See it. Wow that was bad. Anyway this theatre stuff is highly misleading as I want to talk about trains. I love trains.

5 reasons why train travel is the best way to travel,

1.       Romance. Isn’t train travel romantic? Even as I type now I’m on a train. I feel like Orwell or Marquez or the harry potter lady rather than a slightly over tired student who should be doing an essay. I should get a writing hat. Like men wore in 20’s in America so I look all mysterious and such. Anyway didn’t Rowling come up with Potter on a train? I just like the whizzing countryside and the sociable seats. There’s just something so sexy and sumptuous about it.

2.       The physics of trains is less scary than planes. Right an aeroplane is a frikkin massive hunk of metal. Huge chunks of metal do not belong in the air. Birds and clouds do and they’re not big chunks of metal. See the logic? Trains aren’t James Dean in a film about gravity. They’re agreeable like Morgan Freeman or Clark Gable. 

3.       Trains are sleek. They’re just a pleasing shape. They are just the right amount phallic; anymore phallic they become a problem to extreme militant feminists who’d call in ‘The man bus’ or the ‘Chauvinist express’.  Yet any less phallic and they become all unaerodynamic. Note. That’s not a real word, but… As a student now I’m joining Hardy and Shakespeare. Unaerodynamism should be accepted terminology for incorrectly shaped trains.

4.       You can get from Leeds to London for 9 pounds in less than 2 hours. Well that’s highly practical. Booking in advance essential and be prepared to go on a Tuesday at 9… Still a good deal though.

5.       It gives great thinking time. You can just sort your life out whilst staring out the window. I should make a film about this I’ll call it ‘Train man’. It’ll be about a man in a struggling marriage who takes a long train ride and comes back and wins her back. By taking her on another train journey see reason 1. 

Oh and I missed Kyle on my reading week. He didn’t have any money and I was actually busy quite a lot of the time. Well err reading. Yeah till next time. You may prefer cars, or planes or god forbid busses but that doesn’t really matter because this is just how Conall sees it.

University And Peril

Hello there, everyone. Sorry it's been so long. I would make up some excuse like "I've been busy" or "My computer broke" but I guess I've just been lazy. It has been difficult keeping this consistent though. As you may know, my partner in blogging crime and best friend, Conall, has flown the nest and gone to live in London with the Queen and other various rich people while he attends the big U. Being not so far off that part of my life, I thought I'd "write" about the 5 things that scare me most about the prospect of University.

I've never been the typical guy of my age, so these may differ from whatever you may be thinking. But here are the five things that play on my mind when I lay awake at night thinking about what life will be like if I manage to make it to Uni.

1) Living with Others
I like people/ People are fun. But I've never been that easy to live with. I like the washing up done, the floor clean and a general tidiness about the place. This point in general is less about the idea of living with others, and more about which weapon my future flatmates will murder me with. "Mr Student, in the Lounge, with the empty beer can."

2) Money, Money and Money
I like money. Money is fun. But I've never been good with money. I always want to share it's joy and end up giving it to shops in exchange for things. The idea of actually having to sit down and work out a budget that will actually effect me is scarier than Conall in the morning.

3) Party Time
I don't like parties. Parties are loud. Okay, I like some kind of parties. Quiet parties with close friends and junk food and TV. Now THERE'S a party. But the idea of a student part with noise and general alcoholic beverages? Nu-uh. I know what you're thinking. "Oh, you'll like them in time." Nu-uh.

4) Learning Stuff
I like learning. Learning is exciting. But it only occurred to me the other day that I'd actually be learning at University. And it's not exactly easy stuff. The key word is "Studies". I have never studied for a second in my life. I kind of just winged my exams in South Africa. That'll have to stop at Uni though. Well, for the last 5 minutes before the deadline, anyway.

5) Responsibilty
I don't like doing things for myself. It means I can't blame anyone when I fail. The idea of failing scres me more than anything else.  Having to actually stand on my own feet for once. To look down and not see a safety net that is my parents/teachers. And my severe case of lazy-vitis doesn't make that ANY easier.

Oh well. I suppose if the 5 Universities I chose decide that they will allow me to pay them thousands of pounds to do these 5 things, I will consider myself lucky and face each of them head on.

Once again, if you got this far, thanks for reading my ramblings. See you next time!

Universe(ity) or the crippling Freshers hang over.

HEY KICK ASS DICTION FANS! Conall here, Long time no speak. I’ve been busy lurnin to spek gud & right Gud at da Unaversity of Queen Mary. I’m now a drama student. So I’m going to make more cutting and insightful comments on here. And who knows I may actually blog with some relevance at some point about vaguely political things or maybe theatre or about living in London. Who knows the world is my oyster card.

5 Important lessons I have learnt at University.

1.       People conform really quickly to basic social conventions… Basically during freshers you do this thing where you ask 3 questions and don’t really care about the answers. These are, your name, what you study and where are you from. From this I received three generic replies ‘Conner?’ (My name takes two goes to get; sometimes I have to spell it). ‘Oh drama that’s interesting… So you want to be an actor then?’ and ‘Oh your northern/where’s that up north?’… What I originally thought was stigma about being northern is just how people from the south display love. They all love Yorkshire and have some vague uncle who once delivered a parcel of meat to friend in Shefield and survived. I mean why not love Yorkshire we brought loads of great things into the world, me, the correct way to say scone, Yorkshire tea, the second best county cricket team and most importantly that hilarious twerk joke.

2.       Somewhere inside me is a very confused little girl. So in a recent workshop from Julia Bardsley (this was a really long process which I shall lampoon here even though it was actually quite fascinating) we had to create a ‘persona’ through ritual by wearing other people’s clothes… Mine ended up as a little girl called Mrs Claire Lee Divided with a sock puppet best friend called Handy… Anyway these are supposedly abstractions of ourselves… So now I can no longer sleep at night.

3.       Sleeping, eating and reading are the basic human functions.

4.       Freshers flu is not a myth. Freshers flu is real. And I have seen it and oh lord does it have a strong wrath.

5.       You’re not really a contemporary performance artist until you put boobs in your work. They have a secret club that your only allowed in if you have had partial nudity in your work. It’s true google it. This has led me to constant fear that the uni will block my internet because  of the amount of flesh on display… But it’s art so its socially acceptable.

6.       I said 5. But because the blogs all edgy now I have 6. People in London need to take walking lessons, because they all just want to walk into you for a cheeky hug. The lovable robotic workaholic money rich time poor denizens of our capital. I like to think the whole of London is just playing a huge primary school game of kiss catch.

You don’t have to agree with any of these things because after all it’s just how Conall sees it.

Exams.

Welcome to all the stressed out teenagers and angst ridden young adults. Who are currently struggling through their exams. I know you’re all feeling awfully like a quadriplegic Sisyphus right now and you’re social life is about as good as Kyle’s… 

For example and I quote ‘Thinking of buying a milkshake and a chocolate bar for my Saturday night. Too wild?’ The less said the better.

Anyway I wanted to help out all you kick ass diction fans. With some kick-ass exam tips, mighty enough to make examiners tremble… Or maybe just chill you out a bit.

-         - Take a break. You know after you’ve done those 6 hours studying how nuclear reactors work, or how many catholic Spaniards died in the Spanish civil war or how valuable the blue prints are for the bat mobile. It’s best to take a break. The brain needs rest it’s like a hamster in a sci-fi film that has to power the world on it’s wheel, in this analogy you’re the hamster and you need to rest. (Better analogies on a postcard please). In fact you’re taking a break now. Read on…

-      -    Get on some new tunes! Music helps me revise I think it should help everyone. Current revision favourites, Explosions In the sky (for those who can’t revise with words). See the earth is not a cold dead place. Alessi’s Ark – Constellations and Anais Mitchell –Changer. But feel free to throw in your own vibes.

-       -   If you have to cram. Cram 24 hours in advance. Yes science backs this… I don’t really have anything funny to say… This is a genuine tip.

-          - Get a dog. Everyone needs a constant friend every now and then.

-         -  Recapture you’re childhood: get a bouncy ball. Bouncy balls are cool. Or make a sock puppet and get it to recite Blake.

-        - Every morning repeat the following
‘I [insert name] am a complete don at everything. I am the crazy 60’s love child of Tesla and Shakespeare. Examiners fear me because I am ready to kick the worlds behind. Exams got nothing on my Greek god like calves. *jump up and down three times and repeat* I am a tiger I am a tiger I am a tiger.

-       -  This: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQi8W1afSEQ

-        -  And last but not least. Exams aren't the be all end all. They’re just their to give you a piece of paper that says you can do something. Value yourself as a human a bit more and relax. Lets all love each other a little more.

Because that’s how Conall sees it. 

Hello there. So, it's been a while since I contributed to this blog that was actually originally mine. To say Conall has kept it alive would be an understatement. BUT I'm back now, and will be writing about something I think we can all relate to.

In Conalls last post, he taught us what we can learn from good ole' Jay-Z. So to that end, I decided to write about what we can learn from Mr Kick-Ass Diction himself, Conall Borowski.

5 THINGS CONALL BOROWSKI HAS TAUGHT ME

1) Spitting in someone's face is sometimes the right way to do it. During our drama groups latest production of Faust, the final scene had me dragging a yelling Conall from the stage (How I actually imagine he will go one day). While we practised it, I noticed that I was getting quite a large amount of saliva thrown at me. When asking about it he simply replied "If you're not spitting on them, you're not doing it right."

2) If you're better than someone at something, make sure they know it. While I type this, I'm recovering from a day of cricket with the C-Man. A day in which he won, well, everything. I know this because he told me. And told me again. And told me again. A trait that would earn many people a swift and painful punch (not from me of course, I bruise like a peach) seems oddly endearing on Conall. We can all learn a valuable lesson from this. I'm just not sure what it is.

3) Swords.

4)  A good Powerpoint presentation can get you very far in life. I haven't known Conall THAT long, but in the short time we have been friends, I have learned the importance of Powerpoint. The things that can be achieved with a fancy background, bullet points and a list are uncountable. Ranging from school projects to getting dates. I repeat. Powerpoints. It's the way forward.

5) Everything I like is wrong. In previous blogs, you may have noticed Conalls constant jabs at what I like. Over the course of our short but on-going friendship, I don't think Conall and I have found a single thing that we have in common. Nope. Not one. He likes Jazz, I like anything but jazz. I like Imagine Dragons, he likes to make fun of the fact I like Imagine Dragons.

While these lessons are all harsh in their own way, it never seems to detract from the fact that Conall is actually a decent human being who is quite fun to be around. I'm sure he'll teach me many things over the next few months before he ditches me for Uni, and I'm sure we'll have many more stories to tell.

Till next time.

Kyle.

Encased by my pericardium.

Welcome back all kick ass diction fans. Sorry for the hiatus the blog has been busy with producing for other blogs about theatrical things. Link at the bottom if you want it ;)

But today I would like to discuss something well, quite close to my heart.

5 Life lessons I have learnt from Jay-Z. (The Motherfudging greatest).

1.     If your real name is Shaun Corey Carter. Change it to something dope.  I mean your probably going to get bullied for being an ER doctor, South Park character or the 39^th president. Not to mention simply being called Shaun. So if you’re called Carter change the name change the scene. May I suggest ‘Dee-Y’, ‘Gee-F’ or ‘Ess-O’.  You’ll be so cool, your life will be a walking Lynx advert.

      2.   If you ever get the chance, Marry Beyonce. This is very important advice to everyone, if you have a chance and you like it. Then put  a ring on it. Sometimes I like to pretend I’m Beyonce and walk around in a black leotard I mean we all have our coping strategies.

      3.  When you are selecting your top bro’s always select Barack Obama. Not only is ‘Bambam’ the president of the US of A. He is one of the single coolest people on the planet. In fact if he said ‘YOLO’ or ‘Swag’ I’d probably be like ‘Oh my god his lexical choices are quite delectable’.

     4.  If you gotta do a crappy career. Wear a suit. I mean he’s a rapper ‘the ghettoest job ever’ but he wears like suits. He’s like the godfather of Rap music. The man has the dress sense of a member of the rat pack. Got a crap job? Wear a Baddass suit. We can also observe this lesson from batman.

      5.If you’re depressed, get a dog. I mean he even said himself, he had 99 problems but his dog wasn’t one. So if you have had a hard day at work, or a bad day, get a dog. So they can cheer you up! But if your dog misbehaves it’s best to just kill it. I recommend the Will Smith technique as shown in I am Legend. Because you can have 99 problems but it should never include your house pet.

I hope you can learn from these things too. I hope you can be the greatest and fight your own way from the ghetto, and marry Beyonce.  Even if you don’t it’s just how Conall sees it.

Our theatre groups blog:
http://escapecytblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/01/faust-us-conall-borowski-and-kyle-shiels/