Just the right amount phallic

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me ten minutes of your life for some brand spanking new kick ass diction. You like my theatrical engagement? It was pretty good right, I probably should have put a pun in but you probably wouldn’t Julius See it. Wow that was bad. Anyway this theatre stuff is highly misleading as I want to talk about trains. I love trains.

5 reasons why train travel is the best way to travel,

1.       Romance. Isn’t train travel romantic? Even as I type now I’m on a train. I feel like Orwell or Marquez or the harry potter lady rather than a slightly over tired student who should be doing an essay. I should get a writing hat. Like men wore in 20’s in America so I look all mysterious and such. Anyway didn’t Rowling come up with Potter on a train? I just like the whizzing countryside and the sociable seats. There’s just something so sexy and sumptuous about it.

2.       The physics of trains is less scary than planes. Right an aeroplane is a frikkin massive hunk of metal. Huge chunks of metal do not belong in the air. Birds and clouds do and they’re not big chunks of metal. See the logic? Trains aren’t James Dean in a film about gravity. They’re agreeable like Morgan Freeman or Clark Gable. 

3.       Trains are sleek. They’re just a pleasing shape. They are just the right amount phallic; anymore phallic they become a problem to extreme militant feminists who’d call in ‘The man bus’ or the ‘Chauvinist express’.  Yet any less phallic and they become all unaerodynamic. Note. That’s not a real word, but… As a student now I’m joining Hardy and Shakespeare. Unaerodynamism should be accepted terminology for incorrectly shaped trains.

4.       You can get from Leeds to London for 9 pounds in less than 2 hours. Well that’s highly practical. Booking in advance essential and be prepared to go on a Tuesday at 9… Still a good deal though.

5.       It gives great thinking time. You can just sort your life out whilst staring out the window. I should make a film about this I’ll call it ‘Train man’. It’ll be about a man in a struggling marriage who takes a long train ride and comes back and wins her back. By taking her on another train journey see reason 1. 

Oh and I missed Kyle on my reading week. He didn’t have any money and I was actually busy quite a lot of the time. Well err reading. Yeah till next time. You may prefer cars, or planes or god forbid busses but that doesn’t really matter because this is just how Conall sees it.