Just the right amount phallic

Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me ten minutes of your life for some brand spanking new kick ass diction. You like my theatrical engagement? It was pretty good right, I probably should have put a pun in but you probably wouldn’t Julius See it. Wow that was bad. Anyway this theatre stuff is highly misleading as I want to talk about trains. I love trains.

5 reasons why train travel is the best way to travel,

1.       Romance. Isn’t train travel romantic? Even as I type now I’m on a train. I feel like Orwell or Marquez or the harry potter lady rather than a slightly over tired student who should be doing an essay. I should get a writing hat. Like men wore in 20’s in America so I look all mysterious and such. Anyway didn’t Rowling come up with Potter on a train? I just like the whizzing countryside and the sociable seats. There’s just something so sexy and sumptuous about it.

2.       The physics of trains is less scary than planes. Right an aeroplane is a frikkin massive hunk of metal. Huge chunks of metal do not belong in the air. Birds and clouds do and they’re not big chunks of metal. See the logic? Trains aren’t James Dean in a film about gravity. They’re agreeable like Morgan Freeman or Clark Gable. 

3.       Trains are sleek. They’re just a pleasing shape. They are just the right amount phallic; anymore phallic they become a problem to extreme militant feminists who’d call in ‘The man bus’ or the ‘Chauvinist express’.  Yet any less phallic and they become all unaerodynamic. Note. That’s not a real word, but… As a student now I’m joining Hardy and Shakespeare. Unaerodynamism should be accepted terminology for incorrectly shaped trains.

4.       You can get from Leeds to London for 9 pounds in less than 2 hours. Well that’s highly practical. Booking in advance essential and be prepared to go on a Tuesday at 9… Still a good deal though.

5.       It gives great thinking time. You can just sort your life out whilst staring out the window. I should make a film about this I’ll call it ‘Train man’. It’ll be about a man in a struggling marriage who takes a long train ride and comes back and wins her back. By taking her on another train journey see reason 1. 

Oh and I missed Kyle on my reading week. He didn’t have any money and I was actually busy quite a lot of the time. Well err reading. Yeah till next time. You may prefer cars, or planes or god forbid busses but that doesn’t really matter because this is just how Conall sees it.

University And Peril

Hello there, everyone. Sorry it's been so long. I would make up some excuse like "I've been busy" or "My computer broke" but I guess I've just been lazy. It has been difficult keeping this consistent though. As you may know, my partner in blogging crime and best friend, Conall, has flown the nest and gone to live in London with the Queen and other various rich people while he attends the big U. Being not so far off that part of my life, I thought I'd "write" about the 5 things that scare me most about the prospect of University.

I've never been the typical guy of my age, so these may differ from whatever you may be thinking. But here are the five things that play on my mind when I lay awake at night thinking about what life will be like if I manage to make it to Uni.

1) Living with Others
I like people/ People are fun. But I've never been that easy to live with. I like the washing up done, the floor clean and a general tidiness about the place. This point in general is less about the idea of living with others, and more about which weapon my future flatmates will murder me with. "Mr Student, in the Lounge, with the empty beer can."

2) Money, Money and Money
I like money. Money is fun. But I've never been good with money. I always want to share it's joy and end up giving it to shops in exchange for things. The idea of actually having to sit down and work out a budget that will actually effect me is scarier than Conall in the morning.

3) Party Time
I don't like parties. Parties are loud. Okay, I like some kind of parties. Quiet parties with close friends and junk food and TV. Now THERE'S a party. But the idea of a student part with noise and general alcoholic beverages? Nu-uh. I know what you're thinking. "Oh, you'll like them in time." Nu-uh.

4) Learning Stuff
I like learning. Learning is exciting. But it only occurred to me the other day that I'd actually be learning at University. And it's not exactly easy stuff. The key word is "Studies". I have never studied for a second in my life. I kind of just winged my exams in South Africa. That'll have to stop at Uni though. Well, for the last 5 minutes before the deadline, anyway.

5) Responsibilty
I don't like doing things for myself. It means I can't blame anyone when I fail. The idea of failing scres me more than anything else.  Having to actually stand on my own feet for once. To look down and not see a safety net that is my parents/teachers. And my severe case of lazy-vitis doesn't make that ANY easier.

Oh well. I suppose if the 5 Universities I chose decide that they will allow me to pay them thousands of pounds to do these 5 things, I will consider myself lucky and face each of them head on.

Once again, if you got this far, thanks for reading my ramblings. See you next time!