Kyle on Dating (Re:named). Kyle's desire to be unhappy.

Today Me and Kyle began with an argument over who would type. Because Kyle does not have word, Conall is typing. Bloody incompetent White people.  They should call you the Kite Runner. Haha literary joke Kyle didn’t understand because his favourite book is the hungry hungry caterpillar.
At this point Conall began a writers’ strike. So Kyle took over the writing.

Well, welcome to the blog that is designed to make me look bad, and Conall like a God. This post should put me in a better light, as your "hero" Conall is on a writer strike. And by writer strike, I mean on the same Skype call with me, trying to retune his horrendous sounding guitar. #NIRVANANIRVANA #YOLO #TESLA

Today we will discuss dating, again. A subject which 50 per cent of this blog writing team knows a little something about, massive clue, it’s Kyle. Kyle plays the field. KYLE you whore.

Yup, it's me. I'm an expert on the theory side of the things. Kind of like how when you know all the rules to football, but never actually play football because you have crippling bad asthma and an inferiority complex which always leaves you on the side-lines. I mean I read a lot of books on the subject and by books I mean articles and by articles I mean, the lust page of the metro (sometimes).

Kyle then thoroughly regretfully said ‘Conall, you’re going to have to type this. I have absolutely no idea what to say’.

So I am renaming this blog post. Kyle’s desire to be unhappy.

Conall: Why do you wanna be so unhappy Kyle?
Kyle: It’s because the world is full of kittens and I am a raving homosexual. *this was edited because Kyle’s answer was too mushy*
Conall: SO Kyle what’s your type?
Kyle: Single, and lonely. Intellectual but not as intellectual as you.
Conall: On a scale of, Britney to Voltaire, how intellectual?
Kyle: I say maybe, I dunno. Smarter than me because I can’t think of anyone with a similar IQ to which I desire.
Conall: What about looks Kyle?
Kyle: I really can’t afford to be picky.
Conall: So basically the three things you require, are being female, watches doctor who  and sight impaired?
At this point Kyle repeated ‘Asshole’ a few times, so I assume you need one of those too.
Kyle: All I have ever done is love you. You’re just so cruel to me.
So I wrote a poem. It goes like this.
Once there was a boy from Leeds / Who invaded all Facebook feeds / He's always online, he has way too much time, / Also an enthusiast of beads
Conall briefly reviewed this: You’re so deep you are like a well. You are well. This sad sad story which you reflect through your blank verse  is extremely personal and we can see Kyle at a real low point in his life. Like Sylvia when her oven wouldn’t turn on.

So if anyone with thick glasses, a skirt and loves doctor who is reading this blog. Please call: 0755202 (i have left this phone number incomplete because Kyle said it was unfair hint. The last 4 numbers are 1234).
Forget red nose day, this is the charity appeal you need to be part of.
Because that’s how Conall sees it.

The inability of man (Kyle)

#YOLOYOLOSWAGSWAG,

Welcome all to the FIRST EVER joint post from CONALLKYLE. Conall is first because he is typing (and better).

We are going to do our desert Island *mutters of appreciation from the Conall’s arty fan club*. Sorry to all kick ass diction followers there will be mostly err eclectic music tastes over to Kyle for his first pick of 8.

1 Kyle: SO I need 8 albums. My first would probably be *long pause, some hmminh* living things from Linkin park.
Conall: Wow that’s bad grammar…
Kyle: Friday is forgiveness day. #REPENTANCE.
Top track: HSHFULLOFASS
Conall: In English?
Kyle: Castle of Glass. Because it was all I listened to on the way back to south Africa on the plane. Reminds me of family.
Conall: I was going to make a really sarcastic joke about this but now you’re just being cute. I refuse to listen to linkin park because they are sell-outs. WE DON’T SWEAR. WE’RE CALLING THING ALBUM F### My D##k. ¬¬

Conall 1: Kind of Blue by Miles Davis.
Kyle: At this point you will see a massive contrast in our music taste.
Conall: Well lets be honest it is the best jazz record ever made. Highlight: So what. DAT TRUMPET
Kyle: Err yeah, I’ll agree with you…

Kyle 2:  Green day: American idiot.
Conall: So you pick the worst Green day album?
Kyle: This is because when I was younger eating pie... Kyle refused to finish the sentence due to a massive breakdown.

Which involved Nutella and Kleenex and 6 watches of Dirty Dancing.

Conall 2: Benjamin Francis leftwich Last smoke before the snow storm. For pure sentimental value. And it’s quality. Top Track: Don’t go slow. Because sometimes slow is fast.

Kyle 3: I wanted to name boulevard of broken dreams.
Conall: MY SHALLOW HEARTTSS ONLY THE THING THAT’S FLEETING DEEEDNNNANANA I WALK I WALK AAA *JAZZ HANDS*.
Kyle: My favourite album at the minute, Imagine Dragons – Night Visions.
Kyle’s explanation wasn’t funny so it’s cut.

Conall 3:The Strokes – IS this it.
Kyle: Why is that?
Conall: Because, there’s every other band then theres the strokes. Plus they’re named after a violent medical condition, dope. #YOLO.

Kyle 4: Two steps from Hell. I don’t know what you call the genre.
Conall: Dramatic film score. Making life epic since like the last 35 seconds.

Conall had a crisis at this point unable to choose between Ingrid olava and joy division.
He thusly debated himself coming to the conclusion what his discs needed was some post punk revival,

And thusly he plums for The Rakes Ten new messages.
Conall: What can I say. Sorry Ingrid I love you. But this has to be on the island with me, so when I get drunk and lonely I can listen to it. WHERE HAS ALL THE RUM GONE. WHY HAS THE RUM GONE. Moving gracefully and swiftly on. A PIRATES LIFE FOR ME ARRGGGG

Kyle 5: Hmm what am I missing?
Conall: Some good music.  APPLY TO ICE TO THAT BURN.
Kyle: Girls just wanna have fun – Cindy Lauper.
Conall: Just to clarify Kyle did not pick this. Kyle took to long, so I picked what I assumed to be his favourite album. Highlight: Girls just wanna have fun. Always the sign of a good night.

Conall 5: The soft eyes – Lets dance to our own beats. Which you’ve probably never heard of.
I LOVE NORWEIGAN SYNTH POP. SO WHAT,
Kyle: I am not nearly as hipster as you. Why can I not say anything without it going in,
Conall: selective censorship.

At this point Kyle was out of music, so we shall move on to luxury items.
Kyle: Ermmmm. Gameboy. STANDARD.
Conall: At this point I would like to point out, on Pokémon gold I have a level 100 garrydos which will own every Pokémon you have ever had.

Conall: Laxative. Because I am assuming the island we will be on will have lots of guava… No I am changing my mind. My luxury Item is Marvin Gaye.
Kyle: Marvin Gaye is not a luxury Item.
Conall: What is he then a commodity! Treat people with respect. You’re just jealous I will get all the attention from the islanders.

Kyle book: A series of unfortunate events – the end.
Conall: So you pick a kids book.
Kyle: It has sentimental value.

Conall book: The complete works of Sylvia Plath.
Kyle is moaning about this not being fair for some reason. I dunno.
Conall: I love Sylvia Poetry + the bell jar will be a consistent source of entertainment whilst we use Mr Snicket as loo roll.

Kyle: Yes  I will take the bible. I love god. I am virtually Jesus. Love love me say that you love me.
Conall: No. I will not take the bible I want to take Human all too human.
Kyle: Why do you not take the Qu’ran.
Conall: Because the philosophical outlook of one Friedrich Nietzsche will provide hours of hilarious fun as we discover how nihilistic and solipsistic one can become, which will in turn become hilarious as we realise our so called tragedy of being abandoned on an island is in fact meaningless and our whole lives are of no value whatsoever especially Kyle’s.
Kyle: People who don’t know us will wonder why we’re friends. You’d make a good journalist.
Conall: Yeah but I want a real job.
(Kyle is on a journalism course).

Well that was our abbreviated desert island discs. Which shows just how much Kyle’s music taste sucks.
I did ask him how he wanted to end this. But he replied
‘I have a feeling you won’t listen to anything I say’. To this I say, I am glad on our fictional island he will have the chance to read Nietzsche.

At this point Kyle is still grumpy because I refused to retype his book choice to make it the walking dead graphic novel. But I don’t see how this will change things as it will still be used as a fire lighter.

Because that is how Conall Sees it.