This week is too serious for kick-ass diction intro. I’ve been thinking and I feel, this one is more deep and introspective and other stuff. So yeah, grab your wine, hold onto your Kant, pray for some Hobbes, realise it doesn’t matter because you’re a nihilist and then begin to purvey what Is the world of Conalls bi-weekly blog of kick-ass diction’s thinkers edition.
Recently, I’ve been you know thinking. Like with the think tank and I came up with this question?
How the Jonny Depp did we get from, taking a woman to a cave and being all grrr. To being like ‘oh darling you’re a princess’. And for this reason the topic of this week is ‘dating, what went wrong?’
UGGG woman, get to cave Ugg. Says pre-human Conall. But this all changed, and I have a rather intellectual theory about this. If you don’t want to read it, just restart in the next paragraph.
So here’s what I think, when we moved from the state of nature, a pre-social state.E.G cavemen. Where all resources where competed for and Women, sorry to say it guys where well, one. But when control was gifted to a sovereign, we lost the right to purely take resources. Therefor we lost power, because of this, we seek relationships, to convince ourselves that what we decide to do actually matters. Without girlfriend: What shall I do today, nothing. With Girlfriend: What shall I do today, this is a really important decision which Xlady will care about.
Welcome back, none of you read that did you?
Anyway, its like twitter, no one actually cares what you’re doing. We just like to believe someone does. It’s a stupid condition of people, they like to think their important. Take Boris Johnson, he thinks he’s an important politician, we all know he’s just a Human sized Michelin man, with a prepubescent Arnold Swartzannegger haircut, and a bicycle.
Moving On, not feeling important yet?
So alone, you can’t even see your own shadow?
Actually listening to Adele?
Want some tips?
Good, Conall’s here. AKA the love Dr.
SOLUTIONS to your own intolerable loneliness and how to get money from rich men.
Newspaper dating columns:
Like intellectuals? A great way to meet a man with a 6 figure pension and a mansion in his will, is the newspaper dating. Here is a brief guide, to getting the most out of it.
1. Lie out of your arse. You are a skinny twentysomething belly dancer. And I like David Bowie. HELLO RICH OLD MEN.
2. Translations, be afraid of acronyms they’re evil.
3. Curvy = Fat
30ish =40
40=50
50=60
young 60= BINGO.
nurse = likes to dress up.
pretty = 6/10
Cute = small
Small = less than 5 foot.
tall = Hello gigantor.
Looking for a good time = looking to WOOHOO
Looking for a friend = cat lady.
BBW = big brother watcher (avoid)
GSOH = ugly.
SWM = super white masochist.
WLTM = willing looking to murder.
Can’t read? Have that problem where you spend at least 79.87% of the time on the internet? I mean about 87.547% of people you meet on the internet aren’t just there to hunt little kids.
Try internet dating!
I recommend: Match.com the perfect place for unsociable lonely men to hunt women with young children!
Seacaptaindating.com, I actually really like this one, I love me some haggard seacaptain, but unfortunately they go out to sea a lot. So I rang home and said ‘Dad man, I’m so lonely’ ‘Son I thought you were hooking up with that Seacaptain’ ‘No, she’s at sea. And I can’t go on. DADDY I WANT MY SEACAPTAIN NOW’
datingachademic.com: a place for academics with dyslexia to meet up.
Uniformdating.com: You’ve thought about it. You there dirty minded one.
Third option: actually going out to meeting people. Go forth and multiply so sayeth the bible, use some chat up lines like. ‘Did you fall from heaven, or am I just slowly falling over?’ and are you a treadmill, because I just want to get close to you but can’t.
Places to meet women:
Wine bars
Salsa dancing classes
Cookery classes
Baby mother classes
Maternity section
Caves.
1Direction concerts.
Theatres.
Through Friends.
Places to meet men:
Garages
Football matches
Dive bars.
Sporting events.
Singles nights.
Websites.
Speed dating. I used to open with.
Hey I’m Conall and my ideal date would be, a thai food meal, followed by a contemporary theatre performance and a walk through a pine forest, followed by ball room dancing.
This didn’t get me much attention. So I play aloof and distant now.
Some people just think I’m a mute. But I guess that’s kind of cute.
This didn’t help at all did it.
But it was kind of cute right?
That’s how Conall see’s it.
Saturday 18 August 2012
Sunday 5 August 2012
Back on the Rack
Hello, people with nothing better to be doing!
Greetings fans and people who want to find further reasons to dislike me.
Welcome, to my one (as yet unnamed) super-fan.
Kyle is still away, in the land of Rugby and racial inequality.
So, welcome, to Conall’s introspective lexical choice bi-weekly blog of kick ass diction.
This week’s contentious issue based theme, is ‘Overrated A-Z’. With light fluttering humorous prose provided by Yours truly.
Oh God, Kyle when are you back from White Africa? I’m becoming more pretentious by the minute.
Overrated things
A. Acronyms. LOL YOLO WWW HSBC IDRLATARPA. The last one is I don’t really like acronyms they are really particularly annoying… My classic YOLO response, I understand and respect the fact you only live once, and I’m glad of this fact. Two life times of you would be intolerable. BOOM.
B: Business GCSE: The paper it’s printed on is actually worth more than the qualification.
C: Children. They’re like little adults, that can’t do any of the good things adults can do. They just eat, cry and poop in public. All of these are frowned upon by civilised people. Plus they are insatiably annoying little trolls. People say they are cute, If I regularly cried and defecated in public would this have the same effect? Would I be cute? Would I?
D: Dear John: Why was this film ever made? Why was this book ever written?
E: Equestrian: I like looking at horses, but I prefer them when they are running through a wild grassy field like that shot in black beauty. Not ridden by princesses in the Olympics…
F: Football. Sharp intake of breath from boys, nods of agreement from the ladies. Bare with me. It’s a good sport, but it’s not the be all end all of sports. If the world didn’t have football there would not be dominated by a crazed pre-human race who patrol in war gangs killing, pillaging and raping. It would be a world, without football. And notably less fascism… I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY.
G: Gel: So you desire to look like a wet porcupine? OK by me.
H: Hunger Games (the): *cries of WHAT! In the background’. Well, firstly, It’s entirely ripping of other (better) stories. See Battle Royal and The Lottery. Secondly, the heroin is just annoyingly illogical. I mean I enjoyed the first book, but then her actions just got weird. I don’t understand why if the people where so upset they were inspired into rebellion, then why didn’t they rebel sooner rather than later? Also whilst watching the film, I sat through one and a half hours of that annoying grinning male to see children being slaughtered (See C), what did I get. Blurry Jump-cuts. Where were the severed limbs? The hacking off of heads? The screams as the little girls are bludgeoned to death by multiple clubs? No-where. It just missed the whole brutality of it, and isn’t that the whole premise of the thing? Over-rated.
I: Inception: This movie is bad. Ruined by Leonardo decraprio (budumdum che). Who actually can’t act. All of the characters are dislikeable. It’s a sad sad day when Ellen Page, isn’t a kick as pregnant girl singing the mouldy peaches.
J: Jewellery, What I don’t understand is why people pay loads of money for a block of shiny Carbon placed delicately onto a metal with essentially useless properties.
K: Kilimanjaro: It is just a really big hill.
L: Lilly Allen: ‘I’m posh, Now I’m cockney, I’m Posh, Now I’m cockney, CHAV’, her music is repetitive, and she wrote a hate song about her brother, who seems to be quite cool.
M: Modesty: ooh, debatable. Basically modesty is overrated; yes we should be humble and respectful of what we have. But I don’t see why everyone is afraid to say ‘YES, I am good at this.’ Because they will be beaten to death by a crowd of depressed, rickets sufferers who think that any self-confidence is a devil in bible belt America. Loving oneself is the first step to loving others. (that may be a quote, but if it’s not I lay claim to being really really deep).
N: Normality: Well, it’s boring. We’re all 99.99999999% the same so why do we need to all pretend to be the same beyond that. We’re all 94% the same as a sheep. So why do we all need to get that extra 6%! I wake every morning to face the magnificent monotony of another extremely bland and banal day because of this conceptual idea of the social norm. Which is just a strange concept.
O: Orangeness: Particularly people who desire to be the colour between a Satsuma and an umpalumpa. Although it is a possible solution to racial inequality…
P: Pearce Morgan: What is he? Or more accurately: Why is he? My life would be better if he didn’t exist. He makes the British look stupid to Americans for a job. I already do enough to make myself look stupid. (see blog)
Q: Qualitative data: even though many of you have not heard of this. Its essentially useless. Particularly when the call centres call me, at an inappropriate hour ‘Can you just do a short survey?’
Ideal response: No, I have to go stop the pasta sauce burning, finish writing my blog, reading war and piece before having a shower, go to Tesco to buy Kleanex, just in time to catch the ending of Dirty Dancing.
Actual response: yes.
R: Reading blogs: I mean it’s just the pointless nattering’s of someone you neither know or like? Who even are you? I bet your lonely, that’s unfortunate.
S: Stephanie Mayor: Narrowly missing out on the underrated list for being the best available thesaurus for the following phrases. ‘shiny’ and ‘chiselled abs’.
T: Talent shows: Not only do they pollute our ears by televising cacophonies of dying cats, they also revealed that Britain’s most talented person is in fact a dog. Plus people who watch them don’t actually like them, Who bought the guys second single? Answer; no one.
U: Ultra-violet rays: Sun obsession is a worrying concept, I reckon our ‘Sun bed generation’ in fifty years will all look haggard, weather beaten and dying of skin cancer, stupid white people. Except me, who is openly fearful of large hot things.
V: Vintage: It just means old. Most people who wear ‘vintage clothes’ look a bit silly. But it can work out, if you do it properly... Sometimes…
W: Waves: Stupid wannabe particles. Overrated #Schrodinger.
X: X-rays: they’re not as cool as people think. I mean there is a reason the smiley woman stands behind the screen…
Y: Yellow by Coldplay: The most overrated song ever. First time you hear it your like ‘Its about to do something and change’ then it doesn’t. It’s just well, it’s all yellow. And conservative and it’s like slowly removing all the chili flakes and beans, then the meat, and tomatoes, from your chilly before eating it so you’re eating oil covered rice.
Z: Zero size models: Why would anyone want to be stick thin. I know it’s all about how the media defines beauty. From a male perspective we don’t really care what you look like… As long as you shower twice a day, take regular exercise, are below 6’1, go half’s for dinner, understand romance is dead, never question the bro code or the off side rule, don’t consume all the rooms oxygen, know when to be silent, never mention TOWIE ,X-factor or Hollyoaks, understand when something is or is not of the banter denomination and be at least one of the following super cool things.
Superhero.
World class sports person.
Artist or poet.
Film director.
Master chef.
Chess Grand master
Brain surgeon.
Super model (of any size)
Or within 2 handshakes of Helen Bonham Carter.
Surely that’s not too much to ask for.
And that’s how Conall sees it.
Greetings fans and people who want to find further reasons to dislike me.
Welcome, to my one (as yet unnamed) super-fan.
Kyle is still away, in the land of Rugby and racial inequality.
So, welcome, to Conall’s introspective lexical choice bi-weekly blog of kick ass diction.
This week’s contentious issue based theme, is ‘Overrated A-Z’. With light fluttering humorous prose provided by Yours truly.
Oh God, Kyle when are you back from White Africa? I’m becoming more pretentious by the minute.
Overrated things
A. Acronyms. LOL YOLO WWW HSBC IDRLATARPA. The last one is I don’t really like acronyms they are really particularly annoying… My classic YOLO response, I understand and respect the fact you only live once, and I’m glad of this fact. Two life times of you would be intolerable. BOOM.
B: Business GCSE: The paper it’s printed on is actually worth more than the qualification.
C: Children. They’re like little adults, that can’t do any of the good things adults can do. They just eat, cry and poop in public. All of these are frowned upon by civilised people. Plus they are insatiably annoying little trolls. People say they are cute, If I regularly cried and defecated in public would this have the same effect? Would I be cute? Would I?
D: Dear John: Why was this film ever made? Why was this book ever written?
E: Equestrian: I like looking at horses, but I prefer them when they are running through a wild grassy field like that shot in black beauty. Not ridden by princesses in the Olympics…
F: Football. Sharp intake of breath from boys, nods of agreement from the ladies. Bare with me. It’s a good sport, but it’s not the be all end all of sports. If the world didn’t have football there would not be dominated by a crazed pre-human race who patrol in war gangs killing, pillaging and raping. It would be a world, without football. And notably less fascism… I SAW THE DOCUMENTARY.
G: Gel: So you desire to look like a wet porcupine? OK by me.
H: Hunger Games (the): *cries of WHAT! In the background’. Well, firstly, It’s entirely ripping of other (better) stories. See Battle Royal and The Lottery. Secondly, the heroin is just annoyingly illogical. I mean I enjoyed the first book, but then her actions just got weird. I don’t understand why if the people where so upset they were inspired into rebellion, then why didn’t they rebel sooner rather than later? Also whilst watching the film, I sat through one and a half hours of that annoying grinning male to see children being slaughtered (See C), what did I get. Blurry Jump-cuts. Where were the severed limbs? The hacking off of heads? The screams as the little girls are bludgeoned to death by multiple clubs? No-where. It just missed the whole brutality of it, and isn’t that the whole premise of the thing? Over-rated.
I: Inception: This movie is bad. Ruined by Leonardo decraprio (budumdum che). Who actually can’t act. All of the characters are dislikeable. It’s a sad sad day when Ellen Page, isn’t a kick as pregnant girl singing the mouldy peaches.
J: Jewellery, What I don’t understand is why people pay loads of money for a block of shiny Carbon placed delicately onto a metal with essentially useless properties.
K: Kilimanjaro: It is just a really big hill.
L: Lilly Allen: ‘I’m posh, Now I’m cockney, I’m Posh, Now I’m cockney, CHAV’, her music is repetitive, and she wrote a hate song about her brother, who seems to be quite cool.
M: Modesty: ooh, debatable. Basically modesty is overrated; yes we should be humble and respectful of what we have. But I don’t see why everyone is afraid to say ‘YES, I am good at this.’ Because they will be beaten to death by a crowd of depressed, rickets sufferers who think that any self-confidence is a devil in bible belt America. Loving oneself is the first step to loving others. (that may be a quote, but if it’s not I lay claim to being really really deep).
N: Normality: Well, it’s boring. We’re all 99.99999999% the same so why do we need to all pretend to be the same beyond that. We’re all 94% the same as a sheep. So why do we all need to get that extra 6%! I wake every morning to face the magnificent monotony of another extremely bland and banal day because of this conceptual idea of the social norm. Which is just a strange concept.
O: Orangeness: Particularly people who desire to be the colour between a Satsuma and an umpalumpa. Although it is a possible solution to racial inequality…
P: Pearce Morgan: What is he? Or more accurately: Why is he? My life would be better if he didn’t exist. He makes the British look stupid to Americans for a job. I already do enough to make myself look stupid. (see blog)
Q: Qualitative data: even though many of you have not heard of this. Its essentially useless. Particularly when the call centres call me, at an inappropriate hour ‘Can you just do a short survey?’
Ideal response: No, I have to go stop the pasta sauce burning, finish writing my blog, reading war and piece before having a shower, go to Tesco to buy Kleanex, just in time to catch the ending of Dirty Dancing.
Actual response: yes.
R: Reading blogs: I mean it’s just the pointless nattering’s of someone you neither know or like? Who even are you? I bet your lonely, that’s unfortunate.
S: Stephanie Mayor: Narrowly missing out on the underrated list for being the best available thesaurus for the following phrases. ‘shiny’ and ‘chiselled abs’.
T: Talent shows: Not only do they pollute our ears by televising cacophonies of dying cats, they also revealed that Britain’s most talented person is in fact a dog. Plus people who watch them don’t actually like them, Who bought the guys second single? Answer; no one.
U: Ultra-violet rays: Sun obsession is a worrying concept, I reckon our ‘Sun bed generation’ in fifty years will all look haggard, weather beaten and dying of skin cancer, stupid white people. Except me, who is openly fearful of large hot things.
V: Vintage: It just means old. Most people who wear ‘vintage clothes’ look a bit silly. But it can work out, if you do it properly... Sometimes…
W: Waves: Stupid wannabe particles. Overrated #Schrodinger.
X: X-rays: they’re not as cool as people think. I mean there is a reason the smiley woman stands behind the screen…
Y: Yellow by Coldplay: The most overrated song ever. First time you hear it your like ‘Its about to do something and change’ then it doesn’t. It’s just well, it’s all yellow. And conservative and it’s like slowly removing all the chili flakes and beans, then the meat, and tomatoes, from your chilly before eating it so you’re eating oil covered rice.
Z: Zero size models: Why would anyone want to be stick thin. I know it’s all about how the media defines beauty. From a male perspective we don’t really care what you look like… As long as you shower twice a day, take regular exercise, are below 6’1, go half’s for dinner, understand romance is dead, never question the bro code or the off side rule, don’t consume all the rooms oxygen, know when to be silent, never mention TOWIE ,X-factor or Hollyoaks, understand when something is or is not of the banter denomination and be at least one of the following super cool things.
Superhero.
World class sports person.
Artist or poet.
Film director.
Master chef.
Chess Grand master
Brain surgeon.
Super model (of any size)
Or within 2 handshakes of Helen Bonham Carter.
Surely that’s not too much to ask for.
And that’s how Conall sees it.
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